Shame he doesn’t play for Whale’s Vagina. That’ve been a slam-dunk of a reference.

By scalpers, you mean Trump aides who can’t even pay people to take tickets from them, right?

Is that a printout of his EKG underneath his photo there? No wonder he’s so unhinged??

That’s my point - if it’s the same system and yet shoplifting still happens all the time, then it’s not a very good system.

Then why don’t retailers use the same system? If a teenager can get away shoplifting...

Little young to have pencil eyebrows, ain’t she?

Mythbusters tested a lot of ‘em, I don’t think any of ‘em worked.

It’s super disconcerting that a member of law enforcement has a Confederate flag on his uniform.

Right, ‘cuz he has a (tiny) finger on the pulse of what’s funny. It’s us who are wrong. I’m glad he tweeted me straight; for a minute there, I was laughing my ass off. Can’t have that, now can we?

Looks like the #notall___ is on the other foot.

Doctor: “Okay, Ted. Now, for next six weeks, I want you to visualize yourself using your wrist.”
Patient: “Oh, I am doc...”

Yeah, because religious people could NEVER lie about someone in their family being gay...

Geez, if you were on the fence with Rush, this video wasn’t going to help.

If they ever do a Rush movie, they gotta get Tom Hanks to play Neil.

“And I’m going to get it done with my two YUGE hands! See? Not tiny, YUGE.”

Came here to tut-tut you for your use of the word “styluses”, but it would appear the geniuses at Merriam-Webster think it’s fine.

This is why I don’t have any emotions or feelings of any kind when I hear about some cop dying in the line of duty. I just can’t manage it. It isn’t by choice, it’s just that I’m emotionally spent from reading about this shit, time after fucking time.

(Sung to the tune of “Superman”)

If I hear about emails again, I won’t vote for Clinton, man!