frontdeskdick
Death Blow
frontdeskdick

The average male NFL fan is approximately a 46C, so I’m pretty sure that the apparel companies thought they had you covered. Turns out, you just don’t want the boob room AND the 42-inch waistline.

Jesus, is that what dating and relationships are like now?

I get smarter, since there’s no one to tell me how wrong I am about everything.

It can be terrifying, but you’re overthinking this. You love her, she loves you, you’ll figure out the minutiae of cohabitation. You don’t have to change all your habits, neither does she. You will compromise and you will accommodate each other, but you find what works and what doesn’t. You’re still you and you have

Based on “I’m looking at my final days alone,” I thought this was going to be a much grimmer post.

I’m reading that opener about being alone for the first time in years at a time when I’m looking at my final days alone. In two weeks (insert Total Recall gif here) I’ll be moving in with my lady love. If all goes well, she’s it for life. I’m excited but also mildly terrified. She needs to have the bed made because

I go feral within 24 hours and it lasts until Day 4. I then spend the remainder of however long she’s gone picking up the pieces.

*grabs bullhorn*

My Grandpa is a New Jersey redneck, which is my way of saying he has a New Jersey accent but is super racist.

I dunno, call me old fashioned, but whining about a helmet and posting poorly punctuated Instagram rants doesn’t quite add up to improving the image of a rapist.

As a Vikings fan I do not believe the hype, and I didn’t last year either. Our fan base (and homer sports talking heads) seem to forget that COUSINS CAN’T BEAT TOUGH OPPONENTS. He is 5-25 against opponents with a winning record and 0-1 in his only playoff appearance. I understand that the onus for winning is not 100%

What about us female football fans? We do all the same things guys do, with the added bonus of insecure men subjecting us to quizzes about where various offensive linemen went to college and what a slot defender is. Because since we have vaginas, there’s NO POSSIBLE WAY we could follow football—we only watch because

Philadelphia 13-3
NY Giants 8-8
Dallas 7-9
Washington 3-13

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In case anyone did not get the reference to a 28 year old SNL skit:

Yes, it’s Mike Mayock! The football sensation that’s sweeping the nation! Only $14.95 at participating stores! Get one today!

Listen up, America - this statement:

Aww man, I was excited to see Brown run forty yards downfield then thirty-five yards back to catch Carr’s deep ball.

This doesn’t happen if Gruden isn’t sitting on a 10 year contract. 10 FUCKING YEARS! No incentive to win for the next decade. Not that he was going to win, but why bother even trying? This is performative coaching at best. FUCK

I’m honestly a little impressed that the Raiders have been able to surprise me with their new levels of incompetence. Fining a talented player over something stupid and then suspending him for being mad about the fines is just a beautifully innovative new way to suck as an organization.