As always, never trust a man wearing transition lenses.

Dave Portnoy has a Kinja?

I’ve put more effort into catching a Reese’s peanut butter cup when my husband threw one at me.

Still better than you, though.

I like the bird shit option. +1 creativity

Never forget that coming-out-of-retirement Chase Blackburn once intercepted Tom Brady in Super Bowl 46 while covering Rob Gronkowski one on one deep downfield. Nobody seems to remember that play, but in retrospect the Giants coming up with a turnover there (it was the only turnover of the entire game) seems just as…

Fuck! Manzo worked for DeWeese, and I knew Manzo when he was just becoming the shithead felon we all know and love today. I may or may not live in The ‘Burg, and he may or may not have tried to hit on a long-ago girlfriend while I was obviously sitting right there with her at a bar that rhymes with Harrison’s. He was…

He picked off Tom Brady in the Super Bowl, he get’s a life-time pass from me. 

The Panthers are the most McMansiony of all the newer NFL teams. There’s a flashy surface value to them that covers up cheap drywall, a leaky roof, and faulty plumbing that always need fixing every couple years. They have the personality of a subdivision called Gridiron Grotto where there’s an artificial lake that is…

I’m not a Panthers fan, but I did once work at CMU, whose business school is named after Tepper. That august institution is home to a statue of a guy literally chiseling himself from a rock, just some straight up Randian shit. I guess what I’m saying is fuck David Tepper.

There’s good precedent for that. The PA state Capitol has a hallway with portraits of about a dozen House Speakers. This being Pennsylvania, three of them became corrupt and ended up in prison.

Submissions for the NFL previews are closed. Next up: Cleveland Browns.

Tepper actually said that? He does realize that HE is the one with $11.6 billion, not “the people of Charlotte,” right?

*Marianne Williamson promises to publicly audit all four sports leagues*

I feel like there are any number of potential creative ways to make the best of honoring the letter of that contract. Place a plaque reading, “<— Fuck This Guy” two feet away, or strew birdseed on the ground every morning until local pigeons are trained to come and shit in that specific spot.

What would Richardson’s legal remedy be if, say, his statue were to somehow disappear? Would he get the team back? Free hot dogs for life at the north concession stand?

“Luke Kuechly shouldn’t be on a football field anymore but he’ll play until he’s 37 anyway and die when he’s 52.”

Submissions for the NFL previews are closed. Next up: Cleveland Browns.

It feels so weird.

They’re the one team I wish would always go 2-12 (both wins over Atlanta. for some reason I want the Saints beating them because even though N’Awlins is a rival city I still kinda wish them well)

This is how it works. This is how it has always worked. The Panthers consistently alternate, on annual basis, between being a legitimate contender and being a heap of ground-up otter meat.