are unable to reconcile the fact that their children [which come right from peoples’ genitals] will be merrily hunting for eggs (which come, I must remind you, right from a chicken’s genitals)

YAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS

Nobody ever set her car on fire and yelled “Now you’re fucked!” through the open window?

He looks like a human shark to me. I must be one of the few people in the world who do not find him attractive.

Happy Birthday! Here is some nsfw Fassbender, since he’s your b-day twin and all. No other motives, obviously.

What you should do when your neighbors are rudely having loud sex is throw an even louder Parisian carnival themed wedding on your porch.

My stomach swells up like a balloon if I get stressed or eat certain foods. I'll be trying to gain sympathy and my fiance just looks at me and goes, "What did you eat?" I already know it's my own fault—don't make me acknowledge that!

You like me! You really like me! Nearly five years after the shart heard 'round the world, I am so glad my fellow Jezebel guys & gals can laugh at my misfortune. If I knew then that one day the internet will be laughing along with me, I would have been really chill about it. Thanks y'all!

Congratulations to all of you who don’t have social anxiety and/or a fear of intimacy.

Things involved in getting the sex:

#TeamInternet2015 WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE!!

Yeah, that definitely should have been mentioned. Can you find any information on what kind of threats they were getting? Because if we’re talking death threats, rape threats, vandalism, sure, that’s fucked up, it’s not okay to make people feel unsafe about running their business. But when I clicked on the pizza…

“Family-owned business falls victim to culture war.” Funny how that whole “personal responsibility” thing never applies to white Christians.

Yes, singing Remix to Ignition is like a reflex. I feel your pain, Anna. I try to remember that R. Kelly is quite literally the worst, but damn if he doesn’t make a catchy tune.

My wedding was at a brewery and we ordered 40 pizzas instead of having a caterer. My wedding was fun as fuck.

As a gay man, I'm outraged. I was seriously considering a pizza party themed wedding and now...eh, who am I kidding. I just came here to say:

A wise Yelp comment: "This is a transparent attempt to fly the Christian martyr "mean Gays are calling us bigots" flag in the hopes that other mouth-breathers in the area will rally to them and their crappy pizza the way Southerners rallied to Chick Fil-A. Deny them the oxygen of your outrage, and their uninspired…

Also, the Real Gay Agenda:

And we all know who BIG GAY wants to install as the supreme leader.

No, most of them want to do that, too, they just figured out they can't get away with saying it anymore.