I know no one cares about my (figurative) boner, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to have a crush on her for the rest of my life. It’s going on like, a decade now, and she’s still flawless. But then seeing her wear dresses like this reminds me I should work out, so that’s kiiind of rude, Ciara. Maybe leave some hot for…

Uh, I don’t know about you but I always pronounce words like “toenails” as “taynails” and “mangoes” as “mangays.” That’s by choice, not because it’s correct, but potatoes/potatays.

“It’s pronounced ‘Bay-ning.’” - those people who will insist on correcting me when I continue to pronounce Boehner the way we all know it should be.

If you were a woman no one would have heard of you because women can’t compete in the decathlon. You wouldn’t be a hero. You would be a frustrated young athlete who wasn’t given a chance.

Basically. “Get ready before I get here because if I have to look at your real skin, I will vomit.”

I didn’t own any of the clothes, etc, because I was in college and broke as fuck by the time Lizzie McGuire ended, but I probably would’ve if I was a few years younger. Because I looove her.

Why isn’t, “Ugh, probably” an option?

Speaking of middle aged dudes I would bone...

I’m considering downloading the app and lying through my teeth for a chance to swipe right on Hilary and talk to her about how excellent both her last album (Dignity) and A Cinderella Story were.

The tank top strap width rules always make me laugh. Like, if we show just 1” more of our shoulders, that’s where the threshold lies between society and anarchy. Boys will see that extra finger width and become uncontrolled rape machines. God forbid they see a bra strap. We don’t talk about what happens when boys see…

Awww noooo. Why does this exist??

Oh my god, no kidding. No eating, drinking, peeing, going outside, reading, or behaving like anything but a robot. I used to have nightmares about that make busy button when I first started in call centers.

Cheesecake was the best decision I made, swear to god. That or the mimosas. Or the eggs benedict. I don’t know, sometimes I’m pretty sure I’d like to do my wedding again just for the food.

and even urinate when humans allow them to.

Oh shut the fuck up, PETA. I mean, stopped clocks and whatnot, but we hardly need an organization with such abysmal adoption rates telling us about it. I would never let them near one of my animals, even if I absolutely had to surrender it. I wish celebrities would stop attaching their names and images to PETA and…

My mom had ours made (Etsy is apparently THE place to get cake toppers). The light sabers are our wedding colors, and the outfits are what we actually wore. You can’t really see it very well, but there’s even a little floral-y pattern on my husband’s shirt and the dress has the same little seams mine had.

People are ok about volunteering to do it in my office, but normally they use some common sense - like, your office’s system makes sense. The people who did it last week have never done it, and they started earlier than the scheduled time, and threw every single thing away. No matter if it had a name or expiration…

I used to do that, too, but my job gave everyone lunchboxes a couple years ago and they’re freaking huge. Like, I could pack enough food for 3 people in one, and now there’s never any room in the fridge. Office fridge politics are the worst. I wish I could work at home, where I just have to deal with my husband…

Research your entertainment choices or willfully be a hypocrite, the choice is yours!

That is amazing. I’m glad I’ve never bought teeth by accident, but I’m somehow delighted at the idea of someone else doing it.