He’s just going to need at least 8 stacks though to get you off the charges.

He’s also metal as fuck....

Probably just a nice long talk about the importance of shear pins, really.

“Hey, welcome back! What did you miss? Oh.... well... Bill Cosby and Jared Fogel are sexual predators, oh, so is Donald Trump, and he’s our president now, the nation got really upset when a zoo shot a gorilla, and you’re going to wish you were back in that coma because you’re going to be owing us a shitload of money.”

Ansel Elgort...

Longest Earl...
Longer Tales...
Stolen Glare...
Stolen Lager...
Legal Stoner...
Tango Seller...
Gentle Solar...

Oh fuck I’m having a stroke BENGHAZI

+1 “that boy ain’t right”

“KATY PERRY IS HERE? I MUST SEE HER AT ONCE!”

There’s other people out there when they read “the Pew Center” that immediately shoot finger guns in the air and go “Pew! Pew!,” right?

“Freak Whip Cream Canister Accident” still doesn’t top “Freak Gasoline Fight Accident.”

RIP.

You don’t see a lot of “Chiller” font anymore, really takes the nuanced guesswork of if they’re going to harvest your skin for fabric if you see that on an email.

I honestly thought you spelled “herb” a different, kind-of-bigoted-sort-of-way at first and got really confused.

It’s hard to plan something regarding fame when you’re past the 15 minute mark.

Every time Chris Martin picks out a new uniform for the band, I bet the rest of them all wonder if it’s worth the money to keep doing that shit (it is).

Sooooo Jezebel-sponsored trip where we book all the rooms and just piss everywhere?

Gojira’s “From Mars to Sirius” - A concept metal album made by Frenchmen that has a huge focus on environmental concerns and global warming.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMZSJCgn_K8

1. Sean Bean
2. Mr. Bean
3. Beanie Man
4. Getting hit by a car
5. Beans from “Even Stevens”