“WeatherTech - We make the floor mats for your car here in America, because what’s more ‘Murican than knowing your white ass is going to pay $80 for a mat that cost close to $20 to produce?”

Counterpoint:

Sweet tea drinkers are possibly the ones yelling racial epithets at sporting events.  

I’d like to punch that guy in his leg.

Counter take:

Paul Rudd is your casual acquaintance you always bump into at parties, and he always has a joint rolled.

He knows how hard it can be to sink his putt because it’s so micro in size.

Wayne Gretsky 3D Hockey ‘98: where every game against the computer on “easy” mode ended in a 10-10 tie.

God bless these Satanists.

“I didn’t think her orgasms were that weird. I mean it tasted kind of buttery and she pursed her lips together and exhaled so it sounded like she was making fart noises with her mouth, but surely that can’t...”
(re-reads title)
“...oh.”

I work with folks with developmental delays, so it’s hard for me to play music during the day. Once the kids leave the building though, that’s when I’ll put on something screamy. Lately it’s been ISIS, Pig Destroyer and Deafheaven. Really helps me relax at the end of the work day and a lot of my coworkers don’t like…

“Because just like the clock in England, my clock is covered covered in grey fog.”

Wouldn’t he be Jared Kushner?

Imperial?

Because $180 would buy you about 30 tacos, 50 hot dogs and $40 worth of tequila and coronas there.

Also #teamdog, but my boy Frank would cuddle the shiiiiiiiiiiiit out of this kitty.

Motherfucker needs a big dose of pocketsand.

+ approx. 24 well-veneered teeth

Still driving a 2003 Impala. 190K miles and just now starting to rust (but rusting hard).

The car sucks a bag of dicks as a whole, but I’m surprised it’s held up so well after 15 Michigan winters.

1. How often do you masturbate?
2. Are you lying?
3. Are you ashamed by your admission?
4. Why is this a problem?
5. Would you care to detail more about your sexual hang-ups?
6. Why are you upset about this?
7. Do you believe that?
8. Do you think you have an addicition?
9. Is it worth seeking treatment?
10. Are you…

John Goodman’s face might be the closest thing I have to a spirit animal at this point.

SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

(rips bong)

(reads article)

“Everything sounds about right.”

(Mention of Burzum)

“Whoa ho ho, there we go.”