You should never ever ask if it’s okay to wear your hair in a certain way. It’s your hair. It’s part of you. It’s part of your identity.  No fucker has the right to tell you how to wear your hair.

Jesus christ. Barsanti, you’ll end up devastated by what happens in Sleeping Beauty next, you mental midget. Fuck me.

Ketchup. It tastes infantile. In the same breath, I’d also say “ridiculously hot sauces” - yes, very good, you’re a billion Scovilles but is there actually any fucking point to a sauce that spicy?

Okay, I know you Yanks are a simple lot and you run screaming from anything spicy unless it’s a Cheeto (I’m kidding...or am I?) so I think it’s time to finally expose you wee mongrels to something delicious.

Why in the tiny fuck are you adding double cream to a curry? *he says, glaring in Glaswegian* Coconut cream - aye, that belongs in some curries but double cream?  

I’m sorry, but what in the Karen-buggering-a-dead-cat-hell is “Miracle Whip”?

There’s only one answer and it’s the right answer...

There isn’t a pit deep enough I can kick you into for bringing that monstrosity back into my memory.  So, for your crimes?  I’m sentencing you to being Trump’s arse-washer for the rest of the century.  *shuns*

If you can stomach the bad dubbing and watch the video with the miniskirted Vulcan waitress, you’ll see something interesting: this machine was big on “hygiene”. The water for the dough is hermetically sealed in bags, the dough is made fresh for “hygiene”, etc etc. And, giggle-inducing as it is, a big part of this…

...

And there was my thinking the fact that a salad in Subway can kill you was the worst thing that could happen.  Twats.

This...isn’t new? I thought I recognised that machine. It looks very similar (probably identical, actually) to the Let’s Pizza machine which first crawled out of Italy (yes, actual-Italy, not Make-Believe Italy, aka Jersey) back in 2009.

THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.  Add cold chicken pakora for boss level!

You don’t owe them forgiveness.  They’re not worth anything.  

Bullies never change. Never forget that. They might claim they’ve changed in later years but they haven’t - not really. I’ve never forgiven any of my school bullies and I’ll freely admit that I would gladly hurt them - both physically and psychologically - for the trauma they inflicted on me. Oh, there’s always an…

Na, she just finds it boring and tedious and she always worries that she’s not kneaded it enough or proved it long enough.  The girl she hired is brilliant at it though.

“What is the point of daily showers, she said, when she rarely leaves the house except to run errands like taking her 6-year-old daughter to school?

Just out of morbid curiosity - but how much caffeine did that fucking twattish concoction have?  I’m going to guess “about as much as a fairy’s orgasm”.  

I know a professional chef who always refuses to cook “off menu” - unless it’s for kids or the elderly. Want your carrots pan-fried a certain way? Piss off. But if you’re a kid who’s a bit squeamish about eating something because it looks “Yucky” then she’ll happily do something with it (blending up vegetables and/or…