You feed them to the pigs, and then they will, in good time, become bacon.

Nah, I totally would have started circling them screaming, “HEY, BREEDERS! BET YOU’RE FEELING PRETTY FUCKING SMART RIGHT ABOUT NOW, HUH? WHAT’S THAT? HELP? SORRY, BUT WE’RE REALLY BUSY! WE’RE ABOUT TO GO HAVE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF ANAL SEX, SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE! BYE!”

Eh...it’s concern-trolling and virtue-signalling wrapped-up in a nice, shiny package. I tend to slur my speech even when I’m sober, and with my history of drinking, it leads to a lot of, “Are you OK?” or “How you feeling?” with a grim nod.

listing all your gay friends is really not a good look. I’ve got plenty of straight friends, but listening to me talk about grindr and carly rae jepsen doesn’t mean they’re all perfect unproblematic allies. They regularly say fucked up shit. Sometimes I call them out, but other times it isn’t worth it. Nobody’s…

Because I’m mocking him, you smooth brained goon.

Me, reading this article:

Is there no gay man at the AV Club who could write an article about queer casting in the only movie my gay ass has been excited about since 1997? I feel like I just ran into Lena Dunham in the bathroom at a gay bar. Artie could be the love child of Blaine Edwards and Antoine Merriweather and he still wouldn’t be as…

Don’t cover her head, and she looks like a $2,000 sex doll.

Sam Worthington is a video game create-a-character with every slider set to 50%. Prove me wrong.

It seems like fans this week successfully wished Kathryn Hahn’s casting into existence. So hey, I’m game. I agree, Kelly Marie Tran deserves a movie like this.

Cast Kelly Marie Tran in the Marta-style role in the sequel, watch angry middle-aged white people die en masse from stress-induced aneurisms.

A stray dog bit my sister once and we blamed my sister and kept the dog. (We also kept my sister.)

Malt vinegar for me.

I can’t imagine how you can make it through any single, random day of your life if you get offended by Snow White. 

Snow White was dead at the time, though. You don’t need consent to kiss a corpse; they’re inanimate objects.

Leaving aside the danger to employees and potential damage to equipment, we need to acknowledge that the smell generated by heating up a Subway tuna sandwich is in violation of the Geneva Protocol of 1925, the Chemical Weapons Convention, and arguably the Fourth Geneva Convention.

No.  They are not laden in perfume.  Ergo.  Not French.

As parents, what you did was show your daughters that some abuse is okay and the abuser’s feelings and life journey and the harmony of the family unit are more important than you and your trauma. A little bit of abuse being okay basically preps them for a lifetime of abuse. Because it’s always going to be “a little…

I ate the entire cobbler pictured above for dinner one night because my kid really pissed me off and I figured I deserved it. 

I am not a sweets person, but I’m a pretty good baker. So I’ve distilled my baking options down to two or three options in every category. I have found or developed MY recipes and I do not experiment anymore. My two cobblers are: raspberry rhubarb and blackberry peach. These fruits can be found nearly year-round in…