I’m contacting Pantone as we speak.  

Darling. It’s teal.  (And you lose points for not using the cerulean argument)

You’re a kinky wee midden, aren’t you?

God, his face has got more punchable with age.  

Congratulations, Allison. You’ve discovered that there is a level of depravity beyond dying your hair teal.  (You do realise you just did the SlimFast diet for three days, yeah?)

A lot of Hirst’s work is shite. Not as fucking awful as Emin though. Christ. You turned your fucking unmade bed into artwork. Bravo.  Now get it made.

I hope they sprayed that place afterwards.  God knows what they tracked in from the streets.

...

One of the reasons Discworld never got the success those fucking wizard books got was because of the target demographic. That and the fact that Terry Pratchett was a genius who wrote in some fucking excellent little digs at our society whilst posing it as a plot (hello, Equal Rites, Witches Abroad, The Fifth Elephant,…

I’ll bring the gasoline and sugar, you bring the matches.  We’ll burn these fuckers to the ground!

Thank Christ I hate tomato ketchup, aka the most pointless condiment in the galaxy. These products look...fucking vile. (I won’t go into how disgusting Heinz’s aioli is - lord knows I lack the patience - but christ, Basics, you don’t need to shell out for a dedicated bottle of aioli from these people (got mayo? Just…

Oh Sharon. Clearly the combination of that many face-lifts and cocaine has fucked up your cognitive abilities to the point where you don’t seem to understand that freedom of speech doesn’t mean freedom from consequence. And fuck off to infinity with your demand that black people educate you. You’re a grown woman. You d…

Aye, all right Karen.  *weird look*

Maybe over in the States (where, let’s face it, you’ve got a history of seriously shit Scottish accents) but it’s quite common here in the UK. Oh, and by the way, that’s not exactly a Scots accent. That’s a variation on the Glaswegian accent. And, ahem, he’s being polite and telly-friendly with his accent.

Well, as a fellow Glaswegian, all I can say to you ravenous thirsty bitches is...

That’s who I was thinking of! Well, at least she doesn’t look like a chocolate lime any more. That can only be a good thing.

What’s wrong with his hair? I can ignore the soul patch (I’m used to ignoring wanky things these days) but the hair? Look, tits of the world, looking at an anime character and taking them as style inspiration is not a good thing. Seriously. Yikes.

Oh and before I forget - when we were sending our excess population to the States we sure as shit weren’t sending our best and brightest. Dumb-fuck Skeffles is a clear example of this. Remember what Donal Trump said about Mexicans? That is what we were sending all those centuries ago. Think on that, you descendant of…

Oh fuck, you really are a dumb piece of cunt, aren’t you? Really, really are supremely dumb.

May his victims rest in peace.  And may he forever sleep with one eye open.