Last time I was in New York, I let my buyer pick the restaurant and he picked a raw, vegan restaurant. All that was missing was some Patriot’s fan and I could have maxed out on smugness. And just a note: The only thing worse than vegan is raw vegan.

This back in probably 1982 or so. My girlfriend and I were supposed to go camping with my parents up at the Kern River (Bone Creek, to be precise), but she got mad at me and dropped out at the last second. So, I could’ve ridden with the folks, but I’d missed my chance and so now was driving my 1968 VW Beetle from…

Once, we were driving from Columbus, Ohio to Pottstown, PA (outside Philly). We stopped at a Cracker Barrel because when you have three kids that’s what you do and go to hell if you disagree. My oldest son, maybe nine at the time, ordered pancakes and eggs and drank to huge glasses of apple cider. I congratulated him…

I swear to God that it seems like with every stupid order he signs, he says “Nyah-ha-HA!” and twists his moustache.

I read Treasure Island to my kids. I did the “pirate voice”. I am still hoarse and that was 20 years ago.

I don’t know how many times I’ve dined with a woman who was not spouse and ended up fucking them right there on the table. That’s dangerous business, friend.

I’m from Chino. Back when it was just dairy farms and prisons. It’s a hot goddamned mess now. I blame LaVar Ball.

Pandas should be extinct. Mankind should not hasten or delay the end of a species.

Is that a can of skoal in his right pocket?

Skittles and M&M’s mixed taste like bad, flu vomit. As opposed to other vomits that aren’t that bad.

Because he registered as a 2020 candidate 5 minutes after taking office. Now he can hold good old fashioned Hitler rallies and have his “campaign” pay for it.

They called that guy on Cheers “coach” forever. Maybe he’s at that bar.

I saw Old 97's at Space, which is in Evanston. That was exciting.

“Hamlet? I wrote that shit in like a fortnight. Shakespeare got to get paid, son.”

I’m sure it has nothing at all to do with the fact that he’s black or that the whistle blower is a huge booster and even bigger bigot.

Weird. Mara Sullivan and Tayia Bush got the exact same pizza. Maybe they’re a couple. Or maybe people just find shitty heart shaped pizzas on imgur and then tweet them out like they received them. Great reporting as usual, Bar...

I own coffee shops in a mid-major city in trendy, hot markets. My rent is expensive. I thought I’d like to open in the local international airport. The rent is quadruple what I pay at my most expensive location. I would have to double the price of products and double my average traffic just to break even. I didn’t go…

Goddammit. Scooby didn’t say “Ruh-Roh”. That was Astro on the Jetsons (who was the same voice actor). STOP THE FAKE NEWS!!!

The scariest creature that is non-lethal is the California Potato bug. Sometimes referred to as “Satan’s Fetus”.

My dog doesn’t even pretend anymore. He just watches it bounce past and looks at me like “YOU get it.”