My wife has a knack for being in the exact wrong lane at any momnt. If we have to turn right in 200 feet, you can bet your ass she’ll manage to be in the far left lane 10 feet before our turn. This is when she slows and cuts across two lanes of traffic. It makes me crazy.

My son and I once saw a show about sensory illusions. And the show said that frosted flakes and mayo on a sandwich would taste just like a BLT.

I love the look on her mom’s (?) face at Frozen On Ice. It’s like she knows she’s in hell but she has to stay for the kid.

I’ve been to the Williamsburg Busch Gardens twice. Both times in August. Because I can’t learn and something happens when you’re away from 125 degrees with 200% humidity. When a 14 year old boy - at 11:00 AM - says he wants to leave the amusement park because it’s too hot (there were no lines!!!) you know it’s fucking…

Any manual at 5:30 on a Chicago freeway.

Uh, yeah...I’m dating Jessica Lowndess. Yeah. That’s the ticket.

Chicago

Cinco De Mayo

I don’t know what it is about Irish whiskey, but a shot of it guarantees I puke. I drink bourbon all the time and have no problems. But Irish whiskey has some flavor that just triggers my gag reflex. It’s a shame, really.

In defense of Disney, they do not charge for express passes. They have a deal where you get a ticket with a time to return from one ride and then go stand in line for another. Then, when you get off that ride, you go ride the ride you had a ticket for.

If a girl wears it, it’s an awesome shirt. On a guy, it’s the equivalent to an Ed Hardy shirt: Instant D-Bag Identifier.

With their party falling apart and the two possible losing choices being Cruz or Drumpf, aren’t they afraid that President Sanders is going to nominate REAL liberals? If I were them, I’d take an Obama moderate. There is no way it’ll be a republican president.

She’s a goddamned donut-licker...the lowest of low. I bet she she doesn’t lick pastries at one of those fancy-shmancy coffee bars in New York, but the first time she’s in a Dunkin’ Donuts she can’t whip her tongue out fast enough.

Here’s some advice:

Exactly. This guy’s bringing out the mean/stupid in droves. And the mean/stupid people outnumber everyone.

A friend of Jenny Lewis is a friend of mine...

Thanks, Everyone-Except-Obama.

I have had that belief/dream for months now.

If Trevor Noah doesn’t win an emmy it’s not because he’s black. It’s because he’s terrible.

Way back in the day I used to work at Taco Bell. This was when they still looked like a tiny mission, had a real bell, six menu items, and pronunciations beneath each (TAH-co, buh-REE-toe).