Tallahassee Police Department:

I felt a little bit like Ralphie decoding his lil' Orphan Annie clue...

I saw Paranormal Activity at a pre-screening in Columbus, OH. It was just starting to generate buzz and was being shown on campuses only. It was at Studio 35, an older theater and it was sold out. The entire audience wanted to be scared by this movie and you could feel the excitement.

My wife and I went to a Hallowe'en party as roller coaster riders. Well, I was. She was a sexy roller coaster rider.

Children. Use your young children to make the transaction go faster. If you don't have young children borrow some. When the deal starts to drag, tell the salesman that if you're not out of here in an hour, you're going to let the kids "play" and they've got their eye on that cool GT-R.

Is secession on the ballot again? Can it get there? Will you PLEASE secede, Texas?

Why can't you guys just mind your own damned business and let a guy try and win back the girl of his dreams?

I don't know. I've been in the fashion industry for years and a merchandise assistant makes at least $35,000 right out of college. Inventory Analysts (Allocation) make about the same. The next step up is around $45.0 and then $65, $85, $100 plus.

P.S. This is not a fake letter.

I am extremely disappointed that he didn't include either "Flubber" or "Tall Story".

Here's my Bath and Body Works Story:

Have you considered that maybe it's banned because it is a shitty, shitty song?

I'm trying to think of another song that could incorporate the turnip/turn up pun as well. Turn Up The Music by Chris Brown? Would that be better? Maybe you should unbunch those panties.

Where does he think he is? Texas?

A couple of years ago, everybody was "SHAME ON TERRELLE PRYOR AND THE $UCKEYES!!! THEY SHOULD BE GIVEN THE DEATH PENALTY!!!"

Drew: Your cowardice does not spin. It is spinless.

Let's go ahead and make the distinction between "buttload" (as you used) and "boatload" (which I think you meant to use):

That's the worst recipe for Cinc. Chili I've ever seen. I sincerely believe that Burnenko would like mine.

Vacuum Sealer. Costco, home, freezer. Don't have to buy meat for two months.

What about when Rock, Country, and Pop is combined perfectly? I'm talking about Old 97's, Drive By Truckers, Slobberbone, The Drams, etc.