He’s learned about cuddling.

He’ll bite you if you move or try to pet him while he does it - but he likes to cuddle, now.

My husband found it in a dumpster and told it where we lived.

If someone wants to dog-flip Sh*tty K*tty, the most terrible of all the animals in my home ... I will uh ... throw in some free feline KD formula and his litterbox.

But if I get an eighth job, when will I volunteer to help at my appropriate-denomination Christian church?

I’ll do a side-by-side comparison of work schedules with Jeb any day. We can put it all in an Excel spreadsheet with a column for hours involved, related commute, ability to work on said commute, and financial pay-off. I’ll even let him adjust it to allow for .77 on every dollar he makes.

I can already guarantee I work…

I want so badly to make a Remember the Alamo! joke but I’m giggling too hard to put it together.

This was my favorite line of the entire thing. I don’t know how I didn’t know about it before seeing the film. THE BEST.

“I’m walking out on my three children and possibly having a substance abuse spiral, but damn my teeth look white.”

#priorities

I had a giftcard leftover from Christmas. It was .. interesting, but I dunno if I’d spend real money on it. There was little new info that wasn’t in her E-True Story or easily inferred from the Girls Next Door show. The Criss Angel bits were enlightening, but at that point I was just ready for the book to be over, and…

Is any profession accurately represented by television or film? I love detective procedurals like nobody’s, but my science friends get all pissed that nothing is realistic. Meanwhile, I love Mozart in the Jungle because some of my friends are extras, but the portrayal of existence as a professional musician is ridiculo…

If drink enough bourbon, my reflection will look like I have nice skin.

You can leave your skin at the bar if you want, but I’ll get cold.

Meet you in the bar in half. We’ll toast to bad skin but fun times.

In Day 2 of Total Reading Comprehension Fails, I read the title as, “Donna Karan Reigns from Position as Brand’s Chief Designer,” and was like, “ .... so?”

I either half-remember or hallucinated an interview where he talked about how much he disliked being a teenage heartthrob. I have to think it was a subconscious decision to just ... not be, anymore.

My summer gig last year was as a hostess at the Olive Garden. If you walked past an empty plate and didn’t grab it, you got written up. I wasn’t even responsible for getting food to customers or plates to the kitchen, and I got written up at least twice that I remember.

Not being a lifer or intended to work beyond…

If it isn’t a fine dining situation, the waiters and bussers are being timed to check how long it takes to turn a table, and likely being penalized if it isn’t up to corporate standard. Etiquette has nothing to do with it.

I have vivid memories of one of her shows, back in 2003. It was in a small club in a flyover state, and the entire audience was white. She kept asking, “Where are my gays/blacks/Mexicans?” to set up her racist punchlines.

Somehow, I missed the memo that the Madison Memoir was out. HAVE YOU READ IT? HOW IS IT? IS IT WORTH THE $15.99 I’M TOTALLY GOING TO GO SPEND ON IT? HOW EMBARRASSED WILL I BE WHEN MY MOTHER (INEVITABLY) FINDS IT ON MY E-READER IN LIKE ... FIVE YEARS?

It must be nice not to have to work through grad school or - God forbid, after - in a service job.

Roberto Ferdman is super special and never worked for minimum wage or in a service job, so he’s super special and the world revolves around his personal preferences. That’s all I really got from this.