My dad isn’t handy. He hires people for that. (Because he’s very good at numbers. And collects weird friends with bizarre specialties ... like pinball repair.)

But he’d totally handle the gator.

I’d probably do that if my father weren’t a walking encyclopedia. He likes to be useful and will only have conversations if they are tactical in some way.

Dadly behaviors.

Mine stands in front of the television shifting from foot to foot and mumbling whatever the television is saying.

Your go.

You are clearly my sibling. I will see you next weekend.

My dad reads Consumer Reports religiously. I’d join in and make fun, but I legit call him any time I’m planning to make a purchase over $50, because they always just did a review of products and it’s always helpful.

It was great twenty years ago when we knew jack shit about expensive flutes (still playing the one we…

I forget the actual reasoning, but it’s something like, “Bah, Humbug!”

The only thing my mother hates more than Democrats and female politicians is Mothers’ Day.

Oh Hillary, please pick me.

Hate the sinner with tax penalties and civil rights infringement. Duh.

He hasn’t lost his memory, but he’s hoping you have.

He’s probably muttering about how love involves lots of prayer and possible water-boarding, until she’s back to calling herself a him, again. AS GOD INTENDED.

Mental gymnastics: not just for economic policy!

Even the kinder, gentler Rick Santorum still makes me think Rick “frothy mix of lube and fecal matter” Santorum.

Sorry, Ricky. I’m glad you’re coming around but it’s too little, too late for this voter.

She was just trying to help me find a husband. Through shame.

Works like a ... charm?

My mother would make a prune face and tell me that my thunder thighs are the best form of birth control.

I am positive there is an opportunity here for a joke about thigh gaps and aspirin between your knees.

Someday, I will make it and we will all chuckle until we cry.

True story: that’s what I said when my mother came out of her bedroom. Wearing them.

Most disturbingly, despite the entreaties of JD and several others, Respondent simply has refused to take “no” for an answer.

I have an interview in two weeks. If it goes well, they can either a.) make me no longer need to be patient or b.) watch as I pack the moving van.

Yes, definitely. Work harder for less money, and when the “less money” doesn’t pay all of your bills, don’t come complaining to us. We told you to work harder.

This was the message of the meeting I just got out of, so you’ll pardon me if I have less patience for Stacey Fucking Dash.

The lady who ran this yoga event remarked, more than once, that when a person was overweight and there wasn’t a medical reason, that usually told you there was some emotional baggage at play. She said that in her experience, a body usually carried it physically and internally.

I’m not big enough that doctors say…

The kids in my school commented on my breasts or my butt or whatever, but it was largely age-appropriate. There were one or two really, really gross older men in my parents’ social circle when I was in the seventh grade ... I was overweight by the eighth.

In a conversation about why people do the things they do with a…