Are you kidding? Jackie's baby would have so many freaking bows on its diaper, you'd never be able to get that thing changed.

I was just envisioning Kutcher and Kunis waltzing around a mall, 90's style, and the image was not working.

I totally get that, and didn't mean to make light of it. I recently travelled with friends who have an infant, and finding a womens' facility that was functional was difficult. Finding a place where Dad could do diaper duty was impossible.

I just distract easily from serious issues with funny mental images.

My dad is persistent, which is one of his best qualities, and I totally love him for it (even if it makes me want to kill him, sometimes).

I just ... don't know that it worked out in his favor in this particular instance. He's a great guy. She can be difficult, but she's a good person. I would like to see them both…

.... how often is Ashton Kutcher in public restrooms?

In my imagination, he's so super famous they erect one whenever he has the need. (Meanwhile, since he's also Kelso in my imagination, he stands nearby and giggles at the word "erect.")

I didn't say skeevy? Their relationship sounds like a romcom. I do not think it represents either's best life choices.

And to those people I say: My mom went out with my dad because she wanted to meet my dad's roommate. He badgered her into dating him. He had to badger her into marrying him.

They fucking hate each other. It sounds romantic from the outside, but it is not. cute. up. close.

I heard he was already working on the 365, "We're getting a divorce!" boards.

My acquaintance will vouch for that as well.

She was (slightly) under aged at the time. I was roped into serving as her curfew alibi.

Do we get bonus points if the girl is our sister?

It's like painting. Everyone can do it. But not everyone is Monet.

"Lord, let us pray that their two sweet children resemble the mailman out of unfortunate luck, and this is not evidence of further sin against You."

Since I've already got the PhD, it's too late for me. In the meantime, I'm working part-time at a university at part-time at the Gap, and loving half the minutes of it.

That's one of those intricacies I will never need to know about ... because I will never be paid more than $X/credit.

I hear there are these things called Promotion and Tenure Binders, or Activities Files. I heard someone refer to it as a Dossier. They might as well be talking about muggles and unicorns.

Basically, you give as many people doctorates as you possibly can ... and then you hire all of the racist, sexist, inappropriate ones and give them tenure. Everyone else subsists on somewhere between $500-4K per class while also working minimum wage jobs and regretting their life decisions.

Somehow, despite this…

This asshole has tenure. I can't even get a fulltime contract.

I sought counseling for a sexual assault committed by another student.

I would've bought the onesie, maybe ... if it didn't say Katy Perry on the back.

Look, Katy. I like your (some of) music. I just listened to you at the gym on purpose. I even paid for it because that's how I roll. But I am too old, and too embarrassed, to wear your name around, even if it is on the back of a Left…