I’m impressed that Russel Wilson is being this aggressive early since history shows that he’s usually super-late to score.

If they rewind the video far enough they will see when Johnny Manziel snuck the jersey into the museum in the first place.

When she texts you that her parents aren’t home:

Email: FREE DOUGHNUTS IN BREA....

Wife: They’re having a 2-for-1 happy hour special at... 

That’s great, Drew. But who are the Chefs?

Seek help.

How’d you get a picture of Kershaw through Vin Scully’s eyes?

Nerd Alert.

Those pigeons were talkin shit.

They're just pigeons. 

Capital One giving out free coffee and snacks is amateur hour. My dry cleaner gives out free hot dogs on the weekend so I grabbed one, got in my car, took a bite and it immediately shat mustard all over my thighs and shorts.  Now THAT is playing the long game bitches. 

Nearly five months ago, I suffered a severe brain hemorrhage while I was just standing around at a work party. When I collapsed, I fractured my skull.

The thing is, you can regain your swagger playing Chinese basketball, but you lose all your confidence again an hour later.

this grill was literally the only thing my ex-wife and I fought about in the divorce.

this grill was literally the only thing my ex-wife and I fought about in the divorce.

That’s like saying that shooting every bear has the chance of saving at least 1 life that could be lost.

I’ve always thought Uranus was a huge asshole. 

Roman Moroni must be spinning in his grave...