All these accusations, I’m robbin’ tables of crustaceans...
Maybe true I ain’t no weet bix-eatin’ wuss
My go-to be two lobsters, 17 oyster shooters and a baby octopus
But shell in the oysters and dem lobsters had too much sun
So I’m on the run—ain’t no way dat worth 621
Head to the sea since on land they be lookin’
Still…

“Let me begin by explaining that despite this obviously put-on accent and attitude, I am in fact the most genuine person you will meet.

You know who is never fun at a party?

Too both you and Cool_Breeze, who simulposted pretty much the same sentiment - Don’t. Please. That’s how Juggalos are made.

It’s sexystential.

I’m sorry. That would be demoralizing.

I’m sure you’ll say a lot of stupid things until you’re blue in the face. Cyclists have as much of a right to the road as anyone else. If you can’t be trusted to remain aware of what is on the road with you then you shouldn’t be behind the wheel of a car.

I have lunch every other week or so with a woman who works in my office. Sometimes we go to lunch at the same time and we both require nourishment so eating together makes sense. So far I have managed to avoid fucking her. I do this by not trying to fuck her. This also applies to all other women I know who are not my…

I got a sneak peak at the investigation form the Arkansas GOP recommends doctors use to comply with this law:

Etiquette doesn’t require that level of thought. It’s just doing what’s right.

Were it about her wanting to go back to school, or maybe take up yoga or even if she was genuinely interested in changing careers, totally. I would be an extreme bag of dicks for shutting her down.

Then I got hammered the next day and forgot to put it away. Ice Cream cakes are bad.

I don’t understand why ‘going to bed hella early’ was a category and ‘sleeping in until the afternoon on the weekends’ wasn’t one. When you’re an adult, you can stay in bed forever without anyone giving you shit about it.

Anytime somebody is like “*gasp* That’s so offensive!” I’m like “Yeah, that’s why I won that round - you obviously don’t understand the point of the game.” And then I make them play and they become ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

I can’t believe Getting an A was a 14 seed. You know what kind of people read Jez? Nerds. We didn’t just love getting A’s, we LIVED FOR IT.

Good advice! I have baby gate on my toddler’s door so she can’t get out and wander around the house/burn it down while I sleep. I have a baby monitor so she can call to me if she needs me. At first I felt like I was caging her like an animal, but SO many parents have reassured me that I’m doing the right thing and…

Also, if I wanted a clown to be President, I wouldn’t vote for Trump.

He’s a “season journalist”? Damn, then he really goofed off on Tuesday because I did not see anything from him at all on the vernal equinox. You had four jobs, Nolan!

see now I think the best thing about adulthood is Going To Bed At 3 AM. They should just call it “going to bed whenever the fuck you want”

If my BF turned to me and said “do you want me to go down on you right now or do you want to take Friday off of work and lay by a pool?” I would choose the latter. I like both but the question is which do you I like more. In a way, the question is also which helps me cope with my shitty job more?