I HAVE ENOUGH LIPSTICK TO LAST THROUGH A NUCLEAR WINTER.

Thank you Deadspin, for the Christmas gift of this article’s comment section.

My sister: I’m thinking of getting Elf on the Shelf for the kids, what do you think?

She wasn’t interfering with anyone. It was the bus driver who got up and demanded she move and then refused to go anywhere until she had been forced off and taken to jail.

Yeah Pregnancy tests are gross. I’m gonna skip the middle man and just fill a decorative mason jar with my pee to give my husband.

that's how she's trailblazing. She didn't demand they photoshop it out.

American anti-choice protesters, take note of these correctly spelled, well-made, and generally good-looking signs! Also, take note of their social justice advocacy...

Oh, Obama definitely asked him about that. They talked about situations where drinking urine would help, and POTUS even admitted that if he had to choose between drinking his own urine and death, he’d probably go for it too.

For a second, I did too. But then I remembered who he came for this year. Now I’m just surprised he didn’t submit a cup of yellow Skittles.

I would have laughed so hard if it was a brand plug - like “he tied the umbilical cord off with red Beats by Dre headphones, the only headphones Iman uses before a game.”

I’ve been expecting some legal news about this product at some point, but it’s a surprise to me that the name was the issue.

I think Kimmel missed a golden opportunity here: he could have had a 90-minute ‘celebrities read mean tweets’ Donald Trump edition. I would have watched every last second.

If the contest was “which presidential candidate do we want to bludgeon to death with sticks?” then yeah, Trump would totally win the Hispanic vote.

Whoa, I don’t know what this all means, but Shkreli is a modern day Ebenezar Scrooge. Bill Muray starred in Scrooged. Only Bill Murray can save the Wu Tang album. Again, I don’t know if it’s all a coincidence, but this series of capers will make for a great season 3 of Serial.

Instant pharma’s gonna get you.

It’s not me you have to convince. It’s our beloved capital-and-punctuation-averse dinosaur.

But they like science when it benefits them. Like they have a heart attack, resuscitate.

I have been in a physically abusive relationship and I couldn’t imagine my mom doing anything worse than trying to go the police on my behalf. It would have alienated me and isolated me and maybe gotten me killed.

Do not (do not) search for “German face-fisting” on a work computer.

HAVE JUDGE EVER SEEN ACTUALL WOMAN BODY THING? BCUZ WO,MANS I SEE IS NOT SAME AS THIS!!