Congrats to them, but I wear my damned Uggs because my feet get cold here and they’re almost slippers. I’m happy they’re happy but oh fuck no I’m not hitching my wagon to any of the walking ring-around-the-tub stains that have catcalled me.

I got woke, but seems to be mainly because I’m addicted to caffeine.

Exactly what I was thinking - imagine the massive public savings if we could convince more convicts to self-incarcerate on their own dime.

I’m guessing that the outgoing DA assumed that 15 years holed up in a ranch with no electricity or running water was punishment enough.

Or maybe read what you want, write what you want and everyone relax.

What is there to even see? I see a kid’s head and no more boob than you’d see on a lot of red carpets.

Simple solution then, don't fucking look.

How about keeping a few spare jetpacks on the roof so if the fire fighters get stranded up there, they can GTFO?

I’m from a big gun-owning family and have grown up around them: shooting, hunting etc. I think REAL responsible gun owners who actually know what the fuck they’re doing will tell you that no one needs an assault rifle and that yes, there should be background checks. Anyone who disagrees is projecting major Freudian…

Thank you. It’s nice to hear from regular gun owners who are also just plain old neighbors.

Well, it’s the dumb Bachelor’s loss. I’m a redhead and we are delightful. Scary sometimes, but delightful.

I’m going with H: Redheads are too smart to sign up for The Bachelor.

The solution to disproportionate responses by the government to persons of color is not to call for disproportionate responses by the government to white people. It’s to stop disproportionate responses against persons of color.

I’m with you here. Violent conflict isn’t the answer, but starving them out would be effective and hilarious.

This is nonsense. They don’t want to die. They want to say “I’m prepared to die for the Constitution” so that people will go “Wow, these guys want to die, they’re a scary right-wing death cult!” They’re morons. They’re morons loitering in a shack.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Why do that? All they’re doing is loitering. The appropriate response is to make a wanking motion with your hand and get back to what you were doing.

This was good. I especially liked the lines about fruit roll-ups, and peeing in the sink.