You must have enjoyed Silver Linings Playbook.

He’s kinda serving subdued Liberace vibes here. This is a peak BC I didn't see coming.

... you can hope for a discussion on laundry sorting.

Even as an American #2 bugged the SHIT out of me. I thought three was great though.

An ex said this to me when I was finally leaving him after he cheated. I feel it is the last gasp of the cheating man. “I may treat you terribly but in my heart I think you’re the greatest!” Mmmm-hmmm. Whatever helps y’all sleep at night.

Well there you go! That’s why he did all this: Couln’t find a “neck pillow” emoji....

We don’t discriminate between couples that live together and married couples for the purpose of tax.

But I don’t think they’ve thought through what divorce entails — they have to live separately for 12 months and pay court fees etc.

Or Two Girls, 1 Cup.
True story: I had a friend try to send me that a few months ago. He said he’d never heard of it until another friend of ours sent it to him. (I have nice friends.) Like what, have you been living under a rock dude? Isn’t that like a decade old? (Obvs I did not click the link and I just laughed at…

oh god, Pain Olympics. nonononononononono

no.

Thank you, friend.

Eeeew, I bumped into that guy in the grocery store once. Creepiest eyes I’ve ever seen on a human being!

[tips fedora][wonders why I’m wearing a fedora][rips fedora off head, vows to pay more attention to head]

If a single fucking one of you ungreys dontbestoopid I will egg your house and leave a flaming bag of shit on your doorstep.

What has 7 hands and is really, really conflicted?

why do you have so many hands tho, yo.

As my art teacher in college would say:

If you’re 39 years old and deciding to crash a college party, life ain’t working out the way you planned it, even before the guns get brought up.