I sleep scream sometimes. Scares the bf half to death.

There was this older kid in my neighborhood and he had a dog that looked like a wolf AND a skateboard and maybe a mullet, and the wolf-dog pulled him on his skateboard. *swoon*

It reminds me of those first few weeks after discovering flavoured lip gloss back in grade school. You buy whatever flavour is brightest/most delicious sounding, and just smear a nice thick coat of the goo all over your lips, and then just lick it all off ten minutes later. When the wind blows, your hair gets stuck in…

Not if she shows him that smile again! Also doesn’t waste another minute on her cryin’.

RE: the Seth McFarlane tweet: When my mom sold the house we grew up in I had to run the garage sale. I had to sell basically everything in our house, including things with sentimental meaning that I didn’t get to keep. I was sitting there, bored, when I saw a teenager I didn’t recognize skateboarding up a hill. Yes,…

Blessings upon them for the wedding, and again for how they spent it! I hope they’ll have a happy marriage together.

No! To the castle hounds! Feed it all to the hounds!

If you’re looking to do something nice but maybe not this nice for your wedding, donate your leftovers to a food bank and your flower arrangements to a hospital or nursing home.

I always tell my husband that we have perfectly matched levels of weirdness :)

I’ve found that adding pecans, raisins, brown sugar, butter, milk, and lucky charms makes oatmeal far more satisfying.

What flavor was it before adding the bland?

I was at a Logan’s and the couple behind us were being so rude to the waitress, berating her and treating her like she was an idiot. She came to us next and you could tell she was upset even though she was very friendly and professional. My pregnancy hormones took over my mouth when I opened it to order my drink and…

I’ve joked on occasion that everyone working in the service industry should be able to kill a set number of customers per year with no repercussions. Say you had five allowed executions each year, and when you used one the cops came and officially marked one off. Customers would never know if a given server or cashier…

yesterday i went out of town with a friend to an outlet mall and when we were done shopping (in the south, on a sunday afternoon) there were two options for a sit down meal between the mall and the highway. we chose cracker barrel. i knew it would be a special kind of hell.

I haven’t even finished this but I did just finish the no foam cappuccino story, and it’s making me angry. Not even ironically angry or funny angry. I just loathe most no foam orders. The person almost always has no understanding about how their drink is made and when there is even a small amount of foam in their…

Everyone knows the real way to impress your date is to order them fish-flavored pancakes during dinner rush. DUH.

Every time I read this column my belief is reinforced that once a year, every citizen should be allowed by law to shoot one person in the face with a shotgun.

The brain, which we often think of as the source of higher thought and reason, is divided into various regions. One of these regions is the brainstem, which plays a vital role in the regulation of the body’s various functions such as breathing, metabolism, and locomotion.

Gotta admit sympathy for the lady at the ball park. God forbid they actually make a reasonable accommodation for people who want something to put the ketchup in after spending $4 on shitty fries. Not trying to blame the poster for his company’s awful policies, just expressing empathy for the woman.