I’ll be drinking lots of fluids and mumbling and also procrastinating. I think I’ve got a kidney infection and I’ve been so feverish and out of sorts that I’m massively behind on all my stuff and now I’ve got that thing where you’re so panicky about all the things you have to do that you’re incapable of doing them.…

Yessss, finally.

Me too! When I was traveling in Kazakhstan it was only a few months after major knee surgery and squatting was really hard. I actually bought the portable female urinal adapter from a camping store and it helped some. Last year we had the family in Turkey and it did not occur to me that it would be squats, my daughter…

When I used to work at a video store we had a woman come in with her kid and then BRING HIM OUTSIDE to pee in our entryway, against the door, THEN RETURN TO THE STORE TO RENT A MOVIE. My coworker was like “did you just have your child pee on our door?”. The woman was pretty indignant that we took issue with this, but…

I work for a website that advertises free standard shipping on orders over $50. We get complaints daily, and have for years, that we are scamming/ripping people off because they spent $50+ but are being CHARGED for their next-day, express shipping. Uh, yeah. That shit is expensive, which is why we don’t give it away.

ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE IS A BATHROOM AROUND. Like in a mall. Or a restaurant. Wouldn’t you rather let your kid take a dump in peace rather than suspending him over a garbage can while he tries to shit through the slit you cut in his snowpants?

Jimmy John’s too. Fuck them, but for other reasons, mostly.

Many years back I had a guy come up to me in a parking lot and try the “I need money for gas so I can get home.” bit. I was totally oblivious and offered to buy him a full tank at the gas station that I knew was just down the street. (this was back when gas was a buck a gallon.) He tried to shuffle it off by saying…

A pile of expired Lunchables... a woman WITH NOWHERE TO TURN

*At a fried chicken place somewhere in San Antonio*

There’s also a universe where Pinkham remembered his gimp suit, with pics to prove it.

What’s the over/under on semen?

Man, you haven’t lived until you’ve lived in China and seen cute babies taking monster dumps into garbage cans at the mall. That peeing story didn’t even make me bat an eyelash.

I know, right? I was sure it was going to turn out that the window worker was somehow taking another customer’s order but still talking to the OP’s car.

BCO bodily fluid update:

That last one almost has to be the drive through workers fucking with customers.

I totally love/hate Sonic. Love the ice, the unsweetened iced tea, and the limeade. Hate the ridiculous amount of salt in/on everything they cook. Fortunately, I now live in an area where this is moot as there are no Sonics in south Florida (for the time being — there is a Sonic in everyone’s future, so watch out!).

Flip phone porn girl was an innovator. I didn’t get porn on my phone until keyboard phones were a thing.

This post... this post, ... it had EVERYTHING!!!!