A former coworker is a Sikh who wears a turban. He was at an anti-poverty protest once, when a woman with a Central European accent came up to him and after chatting a bit started asking about his turban. After he explained that he was Sikh, she said "No offense, but you look like a terrorist."

Without missing a beat…

Excuse me, but they were Spice Girls Chupa Chups, not Spice Girls brand lollipops.

This is literally one of my biggest fears. I am horrible at walking in general and so whenever I wear heels I spend the entire time so worried I hardly drink at all. It's a really good way to stay sober, be too scared to walk.

Laugh all you want. I still lost my shit when this went down, along with everyone else in the theater.

A couple years ago my now-husband and I got wasted at home for St. Patricks and all seemed well. The next day my husband told me that I had been running around the house naked in beads and heels and I asked him for proof. He texted me a photo he took.. to my recently old number. That my dad was then using. I've been…

My first pregnant St. Patty's Day, I was driving home from work at about 5pm. A truck overflowing with drunken bros pulled up next to me at a stoplight. They began "woo!-ing" and crudely gesturing at me. When I didn't respond, they spun their tires, took off at high rate of speed, lost control, jumped a curb, hit a…

My roommates and I were absolute shitshows for 4 straight years, and we had only been building up steam for our shenanigans as the years went by. We only encouraged and brought out each others' worst inner drunkards. By senior year, we could literally not be tamed. St. Patrick's Day that year was a green blur, but due…

I always feel like I honor my ancestors more by staying functional all day and giving the sloppy amateurs in neon green shamrock bikini tops the side eye. (Not judging girls for wearing what they want to - but it is March and it is New York - it's cold out! Irish knit sweaters are meant for that weather.)

Lauren Conrad talks a lot without saying anything. It's a skill. She is just so so bland.

Had I just done a selfie before my last driver's license photo, I wouldn't have to look at the worst bangs of my life for 8+years.

So instead of a bucket list it would be a "fuck-it" list?

I've always been a fan of Lohan's sexual antics, if not her general behavior.

I just wikipedia'd that. Someone move this rock so I can crawl out from under it. Sheesh!

Oscar winner: Liza Minnelli. Ex-husband: David Gest.

Aw this reminds me of my (elderly, not doing great) granddaddy's sense of humor.

That's what my gynecologist said to me.

Lucky, lucky Ione Skye.

Thank you for that. I know that pharmacists have to know what every drug does and how drugs interact, and that's very important. I apologize if I have offended you.

Anybody who's not doing what I'm doing to maintain the lifestyle I'm maintaining is obviously doing it wrong. I'll be over here. Judging.

Next step: condescending Facebook shares and diatribes!