You know, I have loved Leonardo DiCaprio since I was like nine years old and he was on Growing Pains. I don’t care about his dad bod, his ratty-ass beard, his string of interchangeable blonde model ladyfriends, his hypocrisy WRT bemoaning environmental issues whilst private-jetting all over the world, or even that he…

He is stunning. Also I just realized he looks a lot like one of my cousins. This is awkward.

I would like to know more about the penis veil. Did it have a flesh-toned cap? Or were there like dozens of tiny jeweled penises hanging from it? I must know more.

Well clearly the only reason women go on vacation together is to get attention and find men. If you already have a man, you should be at home ironing linens and folding things for your hope chest.

Yesss exactly! Pretty sure I’ve sown all my wild oats and then some, but thanks bro. Those dudes just love the idea of mowing some other guy’s lawn. It’s so gross.

Haha, that's basically what I do. It's fun.

Exactly. I’ve had both types of experiences. One was an acquaintance I slept with ages ago when I was single and hadn’t seen since I met fiancé. We had craaaazy chemistry. Ran into him at a friend’s house and after a few drinks he started flirting with me. I was like “Noooo you can’t do that, I’m getting married!” and…

I mean...I would love a child who is an exact clone of Rutger Hauer. But only if he looks and acts like Lothos in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie.

I hope things work out for you this time! But it sounds like you have a good attitude about it either way. I’m going to be 32 or 33 before we start trying, and I am worried about it even now. But like you said, c’est la vie. All we can do is try. If we can't become parents then I will just keep spoiling and coddling…

Yes. The two of them sitting next to each other was a treat for all the senses. (I’m assuming. They both look like they smell/feel/taste nice as well.)

The only times it was a possibility, there were two weddings I went to several years ago where among the guests were dudes I had already slept with at some point in the past. They went lame and showed up with dates in both cases. So instead I just got drunk.

I'd hire you!

Same. I've done a lot of super slutty things in my time, but never managed this one.

“Raffishness and regret” is soooo the perfect way to describe his expression most of the time. You're good at this.

Haha the other day he was sitting on the front porch and this elderly (like 70s at least) tourist couple walked by. The lady was like “Oh my god! That cat looks like Hitler!” And then proceeded to get out her camera and take like twenty pictures of him while calling “Hi Hitler! Hi Hitler!!” over and over. (At least I…

Me too, me too!

That’s lovely! Usually everyone just says he looks like Hitler :/ He is quite a little gentleman and my dearest friend.

Here is one of mine apparently posing for an oil painting.

Haha yeah, that’s weird. I seriously just wonder how these peoples’ romantic relationships function. It reeks of meddling parents and lack of boundaries. I could never deal with that kind of shit.

Yikes. Now I am extra glad that my relationship with my father consists of super polite phone calls (we are excellent on the phone) every few months, and visits once a year where I love him and he's so cute but after about three days of being treated like I am still eight years old I'm over it until next year.