It’s like that episode of Friends where Joey tells Ross he doesn't know what it means when he uses air quotes. 

I was going home on the DC metro with my friend after a night of bar-hopping. We had a 30 min or so ride, and it was pretty late, so there weren’t many people in our car. It was just us and this group of drunk dudes, like maybe 6 of them, in their mid-20s. They were fairly jovial and keeping to themselves until the…

Cry me a river.

Hogg Heaven Pillows has a nice ring to it...

Maybe it was a Star Wars joke that didn’t land right...

He was a try hard. I went to college with a girl who went to high school with him, and she said he was a dorky loner asshole till he flipped the switch one day into full goth asshole. *shrug*

They are making her butt look like a half-filled icing bag sitting on the kitchen counter. Why would she wear them?

I had this once as a kid and thought I was fancy shit. It was indeed, delicious. Will it taste like I remember? Who fuckin knows.

Why is she holding that b(B)aby like she’s modeling a handbag...

I was always reading it as mon-GO, is it pronounced mon-GOO? Cuz otherwise that limerick ain't working.

Name the next Mission Impossible movie:

White elephants are a goldmine for these kinds of shitty gifts. One year I didn’t have any money to spend and being cheeky I wrapped up an old CD as a gift. It was somehow picked last and it was so hard to stifle my laughter when my middle aged coworker unwrapped the Mortal Kombat movie soundtrack. But not the…

The only way to get traction on getting anti-vaxxers to take the vaccine is to have Jenny McCarthy take it live on tv, Instagram, and Facebook. 

I think you buried the lede there by glossing over the fact that Kelly Clarkson's FIL's name is NARVEL.

If you’re gonna get a portrait of yourself riding a horse, at least show yourself with proper foot position. This offends me both as a rider and an artist. (Don’t get me started on the shitty foreshortening of the rear arm in that goofy snake painting, all other fuckery with that painting aside.)

That hairdo is CEMpletely off.

I’m currently wearing my “SUCK IT, TREBEK” shirt in his honor. Figures those two would go out together.

No clue! Maybe I just have a high tolerance for salt? In college I had a friend who called me “Salt lick.”

Try honey nut cheerios with heavy whipping cream for the last quarter amount of milk you’d use. AMAZING.

When I was 10 and just starting on my latchkey journey, I looked forward to my post-school snack. It was almost always breakfast food- pop tarts, a bowl of cereal, eggos.