Add a comma and it makes more sense.

Trying to disparage Sangakara’s batting by comparing him to Donald Bradman is like saying that Ichiro sucked because he didn’t hit as well as Ted Williams. He’s the best cricket player his nation has ever produced. (Malinga is excellent, Jayawardene is good, Sangakara is on another level entirely)

Faster than a dine-and-dasher! More powerful than a monogrammed thermos salesman! Able to leap 100 burgers at a single bound. Look! Zipping through the drive-through! It’s free fries! It’s free booze! It’s CUSTOMER PUNISHER!!!

The other couple’s server brought the wife her dessert and the first thing the man did was complain because they left him out. She shrugged and walked away. When the wife went to eat her dessert, he ordered her to give it to him. And he ate it.

Dear fellow readers of Kitchenette:

You put that shit on Ramen flavoring after cooking the noodles then stir it in. Suddenly the poverty tastes a little better.

I was 17 and my mom took me to her gynecologist to have him tell her if I was a virgin or not.

Whose did you think it was? Where did you find it?

“We haven’t won a title since my grandfather was my age. Since then, it’s been 50 years of getting face fucked. By the way, pop-pop is dead.”

The best Eagles moment of the last 10 years is Silver Linings Playbook.

I definitely hear that sarcastically, right up there with “bless your heart.”

Does “Muslim Free” mean all Muslims get the guns for free? Or is it like “gluten free” - the guns do not contain Muslims?

Muslim-free. Idiot-abundant.

Alternately, the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so you don’t have to bother chopping through that pesky ribcage.

I can’t take credit unfortunately, it’s from Questionable Content.

How the hell is Phil going to buy all his 8M citizens personalized books?

My friends want me to run for mayor, too.

I offered to make my husband a sandwich on the weekend, and he turned me down. What does that mean? Is he getting his sandwiches elsewhere? Is there an Ashley Madison for sandwiches?

Very disappointed in you, Burneko. I mean, subtle plagiarism is one thing, but lifting your title straight from the Ford Field home locker room walls?