Hey, Jon. Welcome to Deadspin. There’s some aloe on Petchesky’s desk, you should use it.

Todd Helton had a career batting average of .622 (look it up) and no one gives a shit.

Who says one nut must exercise global hegemony over a single sport?

I feel like I should start hiding knives in them just so they get banned everywhere.

If you’re going to include tennis players on that list, it should include Ivan Lendl.

Thinking about Jason Whitten is the brain equivalent of a deep REM cycle.

Yeah, the wife & I get annoyed when people say we are going on a “vacation” with the kids. Fuck that, those are “family trips”, the only vacation would be without the goobers.

Wow, good for them to be able to afford to travel and have kids. My wife and I did IVF and spent $20,000 just to have the 1. We have 15 frozen embryos that we pay about $500/year should we decide to pony up an additional $5,000 to try for another.

Now I want him to go to the Pats and be terrible, so you are sad.

Parents who don’t drink should be put on a watchlist.

Also, Patrick Ewing glistening with sweat in the first 38 seconds of the game

That is a ridiculous list. How does an infamous stripper scandal not preclude Patrick from even being mentioned, much less being the “most boringest”?

Dinner parties. I now understand that everything my parents did that seemed boring to me as a child was actually fun because of drinking.

I used to freelance for American Media, and one thing you learn around there is the stuff they have on people that they DON’T publish, which they use as leverage to keep writing about a person (“you might not like that we’re saying this about you, but try to stop us and we’ll write about this much bigger thing we have…

I had to explain this to my teenage son the other day. He was upset about a frivolous lawsuit that he read about on the internet. I can’t even remember what it was about, but it upset him for some reason. It led to the discussion about how uniquely litigious our country is and he demanded to know why no one fixes…

This Acuña guy had it coming the way he was disrespecting the game. He should have grounded through the gap to first, got bunted over to second, sac flied to third, and gotten home on a passed ball LIKE A MAN

Huge Mets and Keith fan, but he really lost me here. Once you notice that 98% of sports talk is macho posturing it’s hard to stop seeing. I worked at WFAN during the early aughts and haven’t been able to listen to talk radio of any sort since I left-Francesa being, of course, the ne plus ultra of macho posturing.

Keith said “fanny.” Hehehe.

Yosemite Sam was hit by a bus in the one where him and Bugs are competing to marry the rich old lady. They duel at 10 paces but Bugs walks him straight into the street wherein Sam turns around and is blasted by a bus that Bugs remarks is “right on time” while looking at a bus schedule.

You can always tell the people who picked up their Looney Tunes fandom from boardwalk t-shirts circa 1995.