No you have to write it like it's a column or else it doesn't count

Please explain to me again... Why, exactly, would I want to go to watch an NFL game live?

Right on! Fuck those people for liking a thing and being from a place! Let's be utter unrepentant assholes so that they know what assholes they are.

Well, I make no pretense to be a "classy" Cardinals fan, just an ordinary Cardinals fan, which is why I can say that you guys are a bunch of douchebags.

Exactly right. Clark and Division used to be where people went if they wanted to get stabbed. Now it's where frat guys go to get herpes.

The whole Jay Cutler thing has single-handedly made me a Bears fan who deeply hates other Bears fans.

If anyone is an authority on dickishness, it's the penis wearing a backwards hat, completely unbuttoned giveaway green jersey, baby blue crew, and fucking sweatshorts out in public.

That was in West Virginia. The sheep have learned they need to run fast there.

Fair points. I liked Craig, but more when he was in the "Torty" years and his decline has been pretty evident ever since the knee injuries. That along with the ugly slide he took into home during Game 3 of the 2013 World Series, he just hasn't looked the same as in 2011. I really liked Joe Kelly and always thought…

We encourage you to expand upon this research and get licking.

The prank itself isn't really funny. What makes it amazing is that this woman seriously carried on with the conversation as if she was just blatantly not listening to what was being said.

Parents Night is dreadful. Last year I was singled out by a teacher in a room full of judgmental parents because my 3rd grader, for the "art show", drew a picture of a chicken giving a horse a hand-job. Seriously. I have the photo prove it if you provide me with an e-mail to send it. When I got home, I feared…

You have to laugh at a guy who tries to be all "unique" and "different," yet decides to commit murder in Chicago on 4th of July weekend.

Why drink an IPA when you can drink a refreshing Half Acre Daisy Cutter Pale Ale?

I'm not really a Blues fan, but I root for them because I like their style of hockey and goddamnit if they could just win a Cup one time after being in the playoffs seemingly every year of their existence! Anyway, I think they've really turned a corner with the Stastny signing. They're absolutely stacked now -…

Usually the only chile that runs through things so brazenly comes from Cincinnati

Do you have a podcast? I would like to subscribe.

When are the courts going to do something about McDonalds? Not every Irishman is a goddamn red head with big shoes and clown make up on. Or is that what the Irish look like to everyone?!