Damn it! Was all ready to post that comment.

He took "choking your chicken" too literally.

Most of the time, very carefully.

Trying to scramble his eggs?

That's the one that jumped out at me as well. I can't even figure out the logistics of it.

Contact your doctor or seek emergency medical attention if you strangulate your penis for 4 days. Strangulating your penis for 4 days can damage the penis.

Maybe he took the term "whackin' it" literally?

Yeah, gonna need a diagram, um, for science.

in the butt?

It also begs question as to why he felt compelled to share so many intricate details to the ER physician.

PENIS BITTEN THROUGH PANTS WHILE WRESTLING BY BROTHER.

Did it come out of your penis?

The wine bottle opener could be some sort of urethra insertion thing but what the hell does the spatula do with anything?? O_o

bet its still better than using crest extrawhiting toothpaste. dont ask me how i know

As someone who is licensed to carry I can say the whole thing is a joke. The only gun owners I know who carry (I don't at all) would be just as angry and sad as the next person. However, most would not be effective shooters in a serious situation. I fail to see how CCW training is sufficient pretty much anywhere…

I don't really see how this is impressive just because he's a sophomore. I mean, I wasn't a sophomore in high school until I was 27.

The condom was a nice touch. No point in getting santorum all over a perfectly good cheese stick!

Honestly, just get rid of the MVP, stick with offensive and defensive players of the year. MVP is so completely slanted to favor QBs - most teams are going to be significantly worse without their starters. Or give QBs their own aware, like the Cy Young.

This question is inherently biased towards quarterbacks. Also, Houston would be horrendous without Watt.

showed a fundamental tone-deaf approach from the start.