A chicken bone walks into Aybar.

Taking offense is like building a fence—you have to do it all alone and it takes a lot of time, and the things you think are nails are actually slender dog turds, and you pick them up and you get slender turd on your hands and then who’s gonna give you a kiss at the supermarket? Not Hannah, the twenty-something bag…

RedRim

The only reason he joined Twitter is because someone told him he could block people.

*Diana’s 83rd call to Temple’s University Relations Dept.*

You're the worst.

Buying some much larger hats and helmets should be the first step.

Fuck the economic ramifications, put a team in Havana and let the healing truly begin.

GOP: Please stop voting for the large, clear garbage bag we filled with the dusty semen of our elders and had a woods witch bring to life with an enchantment many years ago. The experiment went horribly wrong. I mean, sure, the animated bag of old republican semen had a stunning academic run and just, sort of, kept…

Philly IS pretty fucking tolerant. We’ve had a “Gayborhood” for 50 years. The street signs have rainbows. Every city has douchebags, but I'd wager gay guys in Philly hate the Cowboys and the fucking Mets just like everyone else.

Chin up, St. Louis. At least your football team will go undefeated this season.

I’d probably make that face, too, if one of my teammates kept slapping me in the dick.

DeAndre Jordan: I think it’s safe to say that both of you are going to be terribly missed.

Most Depressing Video Ever

For once the Browns won’t even have to draft a quarterback to guarantee themselves a bunch of picks.

Jesus, Tom. Way to bash the guy on his birthday.

Typical Deadspin, always sticking up for Cardinals fans, or as they call them around here “the greatest fans in baseball”. I’m sick of the pro-Cardinal bias of this place!

Panda: Eats, Leaves

Should the Sixers have tried to score more touchdowns?

The guard’s stat line for the game: 0 shots, o assists, 1 rebound.