You know, this sort of shit came up in a staff meeting at my office the other day. Bear in mind, first, that we’re in the UK. We do have a couple of Americans working for us (they’re mostly harmless, as long as you don’t mock monster trucks) and one of them asked if we could “arrange” for “trans-staff” to use the…

I’d gladly hold the creepy little man down for you.

Have you swallowed the bong water or something?

Daddy’s Special Pussy, more than likely.

So...Basic White Guy bitching about people going to a country that he secretly always wanted to visit but then realised that everyone in his basic banlieu of his basic hometown goes there now?

You sound bitter, Tom. Tell you what - what’s your thoughts on yaoi?

This is one of those times when you’re reminded that, hey, as shit as we’ve made it down here on Earth, the Solar System just doesn’t give a shit: look at those things. They’ve been casting out beauty for millennia and they’ll keep doing it long after we’ve rotted away. Every time an image like this appears, it…

Milo’s made a prick of himself again?

Huppert comes across (at least in the French and European media) as utterly loveable. But I’m with her on food in cinemas - you’re in a darkened room with potentially a hundred total strangers and believe me, no one needs to look to the left or right and see your porcine face cram itself with cheap nachos and…

God, she’s like someone shoplifted the wrong stuff from Claire’s Accessories and Hot Topic.

Don’t know if I can speak for all of Gaydom (it’s a fabulous little country, you know) but I get the feeling that the reaction is “bitch, please!” re: Katy Perry. To be a bit soap-boxy - Britney’s a sweet person who had a rough patch a few years ago and she’s working through it. Plus, she’s adorable. Like a fluffy…

I’d rather Mia Sara playing one of the Spellmans. Melissa Joan...fuck it, Clarissa as Sabrina was just an infinite shade of fuckwittery on screen.

Oh.

Well, that looks like the shittiest team-building day ever.

You forgot one of the classics of 1950's filmmaking - War Of The Worlds. Whilst it is fucking *lightyears* better than the dreck featuring Tom Cruise running from both gay thoughts and aliens, it still has a pretty unrealistic view of Mars - seen only very briefly in the prologue...

YES. Goddamned, yes. That film was only saved by the rather nice psycho robot. I know, that sounded weird...

My father thinks that when he dies that I’m going to follow his wishes and buy a big expensive funeral. He’s so wrong. Depending on how I’m feeling on the day, I’ll either donate his corpse to science or do it CoOp-style (I can get him done for just under £3000) and then throw the ashes into a slurry pit or a sewage…

Here, I have a platter of cookies and cheesecake brownies. Help yourself!

Oh well. Now, given the way my twisted little mind works, we can look forward to sordid details of his private life coming out. As well as the secret gay/black - or both! - lover coming forward. Bet he loved fisting - did they sniff for Crisco?

This is a nation where a sizeable chunk aspire to be like a woman who made a sex tape and became a celebrity on the back of it. A nation where the ability to kick a ball between two poles is more celebrated than being a writer. A nation that values the rights of a group of people to buy assault weapons than the…