You know, this sort of shit came up in a staff meeting at my office the other day. Bear in mind, first, that we’re in the UK. We do have a couple of Americans working for us (they’re mostly harmless, as long as you don’t mock monster trucks) and one of them asked if we could “arrange” for “trans-staff” to use the…

Daddy’s Special Pussy, more than likely.

So...Basic White Guy bitching about people going to a country that he secretly always wanted to visit but then realised that everyone in his basic banlieu of his basic hometown goes there now?

You sound bitter, Tom. Tell you what - what’s your thoughts on yaoi?

Milo’s made a prick of himself again?

Huppert comes across (at least in the French and European media) as utterly loveable. But I’m with her on food in cinemas - you’re in a darkened room with potentially a hundred total strangers and believe me, no one needs to look to the left or right and see your porcine face cram itself with cheap nachos and…

God, she’s like someone shoplifted the wrong stuff from Claire’s Accessories and Hot Topic.

Don’t know if I can speak for all of Gaydom (it’s a fabulous little country, you know) but I get the feeling that the reaction is “bitch, please!” re: Katy Perry. To be a bit soap-boxy - Britney’s a sweet person who had a rough patch a few years ago and she’s working through it. Plus, she’s adorable. Like a fluffy…

My father thinks that when he dies that I’m going to follow his wishes and buy a big expensive funeral. He’s so wrong. Depending on how I’m feeling on the day, I’ll either donate his corpse to science or do it CoOp-style (I can get him done for just under £3000) and then throw the ashes into a slurry pit or a sewage…

Here, I have a platter of cookies and cheesecake brownies. Help yourself!

Oh well. Now, given the way my twisted little mind works, we can look forward to sordid details of his private life coming out. As well as the secret gay/black - or both! - lover coming forward. Bet he loved fisting - did they sniff for Crisco?

This is a nation where a sizeable chunk aspire to be like a woman who made a sex tape and became a celebrity on the back of it. A nation where the ability to kick a ball between two poles is more celebrated than being a writer. A nation that values the rights of a group of people to buy assault weapons than the…

Oh dear, Jason, darling. If you flew private (like us lot), you’d never have to worry about “luggage problems”.

I’ll bring the popcorn, you bring the wings (and grilled vegetable selection if you want)...

Whilst we all appreciate the style sacrifice that you clearly made...tell me you keep a small bottle of hand sanitiser on you at all times? I have nightmares of that non-entity and her tiny-handed spawner groping each and every item before it leaves the sweatshops...

It makes my dick invert itself, flee inside my body and scream insults in an entertaining combo of English and Yiddish before casting a curse upon you and your entire line - born and unborn?

Please tell me that she’s been spayed and neutered. If not, we’ll do it for cookies and a jumbo-bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

If that baby-tart Jenner’s name the first thing your mind goes to when you hear the name “Kylie”, you need to stop sniffing the glue, Aimee. Seriously, put the bag *down*, love.

I wouldn’t call it a secondary reality television personality. I would refer to it as a vacuum of personality and the sister of a whore and daughter of a wasp-chewing bulldog in lipstick. How the fuck that creature became “Something” is beyond me.

Then fuck off. No need to make a drama, mouth-breather. Twat.