“Great Darkening” sounds like some sort of LOTR event. “Lo, the Shire has fell into the Great Darkening! Fetch me my smiting sword and unleash the gimpy Smeagol!”

Christ, he sounds like he should be in a bareback twink orgy.

Oh, I’m tempted to stop the “Scotch” fuckwits in their tracks, rip their tatty wee Black Watch tartan miniskirts from their bodies and beat their children with their fake sgian-dubhs, to be honest.

Bend the fucktard over, pull off his crappy light trousers and shove an unlubed tazer up his well-travelled chute. Zap until twitchy. And repeat.

A thousand times this. It’s the same with us Scots and someone saying that their favourite historical movie is Braveheart. As we like to say in Glasgow - get yerselves tae fuck!

My god, what the fuck is going on with that fucknozzle’s hair? That should be your first sign that he’s obviously challenged in the cranial department. He looks like a right wee wankpot.

Slovenian pastries? Bring on the Prekmurska Gibanica!!

1. Can someone get that skeletal freak a burger or just inject fat into her? That’s what “clean living” looks like in 20 years, gurls.

My sister said once that she would have poker-whipped that wee shit’s face until she stopped twitching. Then again, my sister also called Laurie the world’s creepiest stalker.

Christ, I remember the wankery about Trainspotting. The film didn’t do anything - anything - to glamourise drug use. In fact, it had an opposite effect on people who watched it, who understood what it was about. The only real effect it had was on making decent club soundtracks for films supposedly aimed at young…

Just why in the hell hasn’t there been a film made of this?

That’s a very small towel.

Ugh, yes. I despise that sort of thinking. I always think of those harpies (frequently blonde-haired and dressed in a nasty shift dress) warbling “But some of my best friends are gay!” No, honey, we’re not your friends. We just like fucking your husbands.

Perhaps she was exposed to sunlight and she didn’t have the SPF on?

A trick my stepfather taught me - if you have a tumbler lock for your front door and your key’s sticking when you put the key in, take a can of WD-40, attach the wee red straw and spritz liberally into the keyhole. Leave for an hour or so. Whilst you’re waiting, spray some WD-40 onto your key and use to clean off…

Oh, I’d hate fuck him.

So he had a Willy Wonka theme party. What’s your beef, Hannah?

D’you know what I thought when I read about this? Two things: 1. Oh, no, not again and 2. who’s going to get the blame, the Church or the mothers?

Well, the Kardashian and Kendall trollops got this far, so it must be easier than we think.

*snigger* Gaylord. *sniggers*