I had that Guardians Of The Galaxy “Who?” moment there when I saw the headline. God, he’s an insufferable cretinous fuckwit.

I’ve been reminded of another tale involving *sigh* Karen (although, my friend wants to refer to her as “Spider Nest Karen” (yet another cruel nickname...*sporfle*))...and yes, it sounds like we were bullying her - understand this: this girl was demented and did everything in her power to make people feel small. A…

“Well, let’s ask your wife. She looks like she’s not had a good banging from you in twenty years...”

About fifteen years ago, I was in Paris. That’s Paris as in the French capital and not some backwater in Texas. The City of Lights. Home to Amelie. The place where they occasionally fish an immigrant’s body from the Seine...wait...

You’d think he has a problem with the modern age. I wonder if it’ll feature cheerful poverty-stricken immigrants “getting by” in the New World?

Thank christ this tawdry piss is coming to an end. It only ever appealed to snobs and delusional people abroad who seem to have this misty-eyed vision of how Britain worked back then. I wonder what ITV’ll do now that the cash cow has truly dropped dead, and what that Fellowes berk’ll do - probably rehash the storyline…

I have loved this man ever since Inception and that little exchange with Arthur...by golly, he’s phenomenally sexy. Curse him for being married! *shakes fist*

Did you ask for the person’s consent before you put your dick in an orifice on that person’s body? No?

Oh they’re men.

No, I don’t consider that to be shade. I’d say that the dress casts shade. Is she allergic to belts or something? Why won’t she go away when we flush?

Fuck you, sweetheart. Fuck you a thousand times with a sandpaper dildo. You don’t get to make fun of people because you think you’re “funny” - you’re nothing but a cheap-ass witch with bad hair (conditioner, darling, invest in some) horrible nails (were they painted by a lemming?) and nasty lipstick smeared on lips so…

Hey Kim. How’s your kids - you know, the two bastards you brought into this world by fucking a future ex-husband whilst married to your first ex-husband? What does the Bible say about that, you whore of Babylon?

Go die in a grease-fire, you dyed blonde tit. I weep for our species if that sort of scum is breeding.

Oh GOD, I’ve just remembered the one my sister told me about the boy she had a crush on at High School. Bear with me, it’s a long one. It’s also a wee bit painful.

Here. Just take this week’s Cookie of Awesome. In fact, no, fuck it, take the whole fucking packet. I’ve just shrieked with laughter at 2:30 in the morning, thus waking up my neighbours. Bravo!

Yeah, probably when my grandfather died and his younger and...shall we say “eccentric” brother turned up. When I say eccentric, I mean “wired to the fucking moon” batshit insane. First, he does the whole “file past the open casket paying respect” thing. And then he turns round and declares in a loud voice “THAT IS NOT…

I’ll just say it - those who refer to some tip as a “hack” need to be punched several times in the kidneys. Then their children need to be beheaded and fed to angry sheep whilst their parents look on, helpless. That is all.

FYI people: with shitheads like the above-mentioned bride, sending them sex toys as gifts is always a fun option. Make sure to include nipple clamps, a peek-a-boo leather bra and prostate massagers and hint at the groom’s undeclared predilections for bum-fun. That or you do a Kristen Scott-Thomas and “agonise” over…

Only if I get to bring a crossbow to shoot small deer. I hated Bambi as a child.

My clack-wanker cousin demanded that we all give her a present from a “Specially Made” wedding gift list from a store in the UK - where nothing cost less than £50. I have never reveled so much in sending someone a large package of cheap-arse kitchen towels from IKEA. The look on her poisonous wee face when she…