Am I the only one who thinks that if a gift should be given to anyone in a bridal party that it should be from the bride to the bridesmaids, or is that just too radical for some people?

“Finally, an occasion for all of those used tampons!”

I hope you wrapped a couple of rotten prawns in those towels, or perhaps some cat shit.

In the words of my Grandmother: “Just write the fucking card, you fucking wanker, and then crawl back under the rock you came from.”

Find them, name them, shame them - and then attach GPS collars to their brat’s necks so we can set them loose in the Arctic and go Sarah Palin on them from a helicopter. Fuckers.

A while ago, I was flying from London to Rome on holiday and there was some sort of kerfuffle re: an old lady’s handbag. Basically, the stewardess was suspicious, and kept trying to wrestle the bag out of her hands. Cue shrill squawks of “I can handle my bag, thank you!” at the top of her lungs until another…

Oh Ed. Even though you’re a capitalist whore like the best of ‘em, I’d still ride you like a dodgy Ford Capri and bang you like a wonky pinata.

My mother insisted, upon learning of the eventual manifestation of my sister and the not-quite-glorious descent into the Earthly realm that was me, that she would only have female midwives. She didn’t - still doesn’t - trust male doctors. My sister was delivered by a woman that my family are still friends with (and…

I actually rolled my eyes at the “soldiers make less than this guy and they lay down their LIVES for this country!” schtick. You want to be a soldier? You be a soldier. But understand that the crap pay, crap conditions (when you’re not in a warzone getting peppered with bullets that is) and the crap “disrespect” is…

Throughout that clip, you can just *see* her thinking “You utter fucknut. Turn the camera off, give me a pair of scissors and prepare yourself for an impromptu face rearrangement”.

Oh honey, you’re a liar and a fraud. You’ve also been found out. So why don’t you scuttle off under a fucking rock, take a kale and quinoa shake and cram it up your arse.

Someone tell her to GET IN THE SEA. What a complete fucknut.

Just hit the anti-vaxxer cunts (yes, I’m using that word, no I don’t care if you’re offended and why yes, I do think it sounds lovely in a Scots accent) with the concept that they are signing their brats’ death warrants. That when their special snowflake catches an easily immunised disease, they won’t have access to…

God, that Pawle thing sounds so fucking Basic Sloane. Fuck off, love.

Hey, USA, this is what awesome feels like. Now, dance your little arses off like it’s a cheap disco in 1999 and someone’s just threated to play the Macarena mega-mix tape...

No, I’m sorry, but sometimes when you’re out on the lam and you need a quick fix-me-up, a cheap burger or a skanky packet of fries with more grease on ‘em than an oiled up politician is what you need. Healthy fast food? Fuck that shit. Give me the fucking shake and spare me your whinging.