I really hate to be flippant, but this is how I pictured Swem the whole time #Donald

Even the ones that LOOK IDENTICAL have a SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT FORMULA, which is relevant when layering etc. NEED THEM ALL.

The ingenious waitress’ name has been lost to history, but the Legend of The Waitress With The World’s Driest Sense Of Humor is still whispered to this very day.

The Reuben one reminded me of a story Terry Pratchett told. He said that one jet-lagged evening he accidently asked for Three Mile Island dressing for his salad. The waitress didn’t say a word, just brought him Thousand Island dressing and a bottle of hot sauce.

I have it on very good authority from Strawberry Shortcake that Blueberry Muffin’s vagina* does, in fact, taste like blueberry.

I would have said: “Why yes, it does come from gay cows. The gayest, actually.”

I love that the quickest, truest litmus test of “is this person obsessed with nail polish” is just to say the word “HELMER” and note their reaction.

A former boss of mine had a college friend who ended up becoming a nun. She did have a wimple, but not a huge one, and wore civilian clothes otherwise.

HE’S THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON WHO PRONOUNCES IT THAT WAY, NO IT ISN’T LEGIT.

Like they would know what it looked like. PLEASE FOOLS you can’t even find the clitoris.

same, i’m very busy

For fuck’s sake.

RUDE.

“They didn’t just buy one book, they’d buy a dozen and be back a week later to buy a dozen more.”

At six feet, I’ve never had a problem when my partner is shorter. I used to sleep with a woman who was 4’11 and the only thing we really had issues with is simultaneous oral sex (because all my height is in my torso, not my legs). But we made it work. Life — and oral sex — finds a way.

“Feel Like Bacon Love”

I wish I could give more than one star to this. I guess this one will have to do:

OK cool. I’ve got 100 family members who I see regularly and love (Xmas is 70 people, minimum, on my dad’s side). We have 50 friends we see regularly and love, and they all have spouses and kids. My fiance’s parents owe their basic survival in the U.S. to their network of friends who insured they didn’t starve.

I would do anything for meatloaf, but I won’t do that.

His primary cancer was ocular melanoma. I have ocular melanoma and feel like I have lost a brother in the fight.