I'm going to go ahead and not read the second paragraph now. I'LL BE HAPPY FOREVER.

I'm going to go ahead and blame children in vacation towns for making my state's food item chicken tenders. We love our fried seafood, and kids only like seafood if it comes out of a can like cat food, so they get chicken tenders. NOT COOL, KIDS. NOT COOL.

The Guy Fieri joke redeems you.

Mr Trout. You did not make a jumbo shrimp joke. I'm erasing that from my mind.

Iggy Pop is hot, I don't know what you're looking at.

There is tension inter Shiny household, because I'm laughing and my roommate is.... Russian. And your characterization of their thinkings is accurate.

Nope, I'd eat fugu ice cream before tuna cupcakes.

The massager looks like those balls that you spin in your hand to relax. Chinese relaxation balls?

I'm a Bruins EXTREMIST. All insults are hockey based.

Also, now I'm going to support English as the national language, JUST TO SPITE FRENCH CANADIANS.

I'm sobbing here. Sobbing. This is the worst thing I've ever seen. This is an intelligent and beautiful soul who is dealing with so much hate. I'm broker than broke, but I want to donate $5 just to let him know how loved he is.

So morbid. So twisted. So perfect.

YOUR NAME MAKES ME SO SO SO SO SO HAPPY.

I'm highly intrigued, but I'm a Pats fan, so my schaudenfreude over what came out of his mouth fills me with glee.

NO. IT IS THE FAULT OF FRENCH CANADIANERS. OR CANADIENS, IF YOU WANT TO GO WITH THE DUMBEST STUPIDEST WORSTEST HOCKEY TEAM OF ALL TIME. (It all comes down to sports with me).

BUT THIS IS NOT FUNNY, WEIRD, OR GROSS MARK. THIS IS A STRAIGHT UP WAR CRIME.

IF YOU'RE LUCKY THAT'S ALL YOU'LL GET.

The Landshark sounds like GREAT way to break one's penis.

The second I see her shitty ass "acting," I'm totally taken out of every. single. movie. she is in.

I disagree with all of those submissions. Girl's got no talent. I don't believe her in anything for a second.