Here’s his inaugural address.

Well, goats are nature’s presidents.

I made my ‘first active attempt to redefine myself independently of parental influence and social programming’ at around 6 years old.

It never ceases to amaze me how eager people are to out themselves as imbeciles.

Have you seen how high old men wear their pants? Atomic is the only way to escalate that situation.

Line cutting is childish. Childish offenses deserve childish punishments. I’d suggest an atomic wedgie, in this case.

Kids get an almost psychotic level of joy from eating faces, or so the ‘80s taught me.

There are episodes of El Chapulin Colorado on Youtube. The Bumblebee man clips aren’t that far off the mark.

There’s two ways to look at those statements. Either A) Cohen is a bad liar and Giuliani is stupid enough to believe everything he’s told without question, or B) Giuliani is a liar who is too stupid to tell a decent lie. Either way, he’s admitting that nothing he says can ever be trusted. And that he’s an imbecile.

In fairness, Bumblebee Man isn’t a loose Mexican stereotype. He’s a loose parody of one specific Mexican.

Only his fingers, penis, and brain are small. His ass, gut, ego, and bald spot are all huge.

I was in a dollar store once looking for a cheap scrub brush. I found one in the kitchen stuff. In the next aisle, I found the same brush in the bathroom stuff. The second one was half the price and the only difference was the label said “toilet” instead of “kitchen”. It seems people will pay double to not imagine…

Honestly, I need to watch more L.A. Law reruns to make sense of this lawsuit.

One man in the segment said something like “Kingmaners” to describe locals. That caught Gates’s attention — citizens typically refer to themselves as “Kingmanites,”

That’s easy enough to do. Tell Trump he’s getting his wall. Instead, erect a series of gallows along the border. When he throws his inevitable victory rally, hang everyone that shows up.

And “Save the Last Dance for Me” was on an album called “If It Don’t Kill You, It Just Makes You Stronger”. That should be enough to prove that a Bruce Willis declaration isn’t to be trusted.

I do likewise. Unless their hands are full. If it looks like opening the door will be a pain in their ass, I extend the courtesy zone as needed. Cup of coffee in one hand and a phone in the other? 2 seconds. Stack of pizzas in both hands with wings balanced on top? 30 seconds. Several bags of groceries in one hand and…

I don’t volunteer for the thankless tasks because I don’t care if they get done and, unlike my actual job, they aren’t paying me to pretend I do.