“Serving in Afghanistan was so traumatic that I took up crime to feel alive like I haven’t felt since Afghanistan.”

He should have thrown a magazine in the aisle to distract the cops.

Peanut Butter. Give it a few seconds to melt.

Fact: Anyone who calls themselves a purist is horrid and a waste of valuable space in society.

I hit a squirrel with my car last week. It was in the middle of the street having sex with the corpse of a squirrel that had been run over earlier. 

Forget about Jokgu. Mike is the only chicken anyone needs to know about.

Eating cookies gets old if you do it every day. I wouldn’t start doomsaying if we had a chocolate chip stockpile.

As someone who ate plenty of government cheese sandwiches in the 80s, I miss eating government cheese sandwiches. They were wonderfully terrible. It was like eating a William Shatner song.

I’ve been to cleaner plants that were literally bagging dirt.

The number of extended media stories a Star Wars movie produces is not an indicator of quality. It’s an indicator of how long ago the movie came out. Given a decade or two, every character who had two seconds of screen time will be given a fully fleshed out back story and a series of further adventures. The Ewok…

The real questions here are “who was his lunch date?”, “what was his lunch date bribing him for?”, and “how much?”.

Amazing how the Catholic version of repentance always means confess to the church and make amends to the church. The people you actually hurt can just fuck themselves, I guess.

Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin.

How did she fall back first? Was she crab-walking through the ceiling?

The best part is 7 seconds in. The part where he tries to get out the door by pushing his girlfriend into the cop.

I wasn’t aware Starbursts even had flavors. They all taste like waxy sugar.

Alabaster trash.

I bought a duvet cover for my comforter. This means it is now a duvet, so basically I got a duvet for free.

I don’t really care what they call it, as long as there’s a sign over the door that says “Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here”.

I wouldn’t even say it was a parody of superhero comics. This came out at the tail end of the period where every studio seemed to be buying the rights to smaller, cheaper, independent comics and making movies out of them. Most sucked, but enough did well to keep the practice going. Dark Horse Comics was the king of…