Elon is a fucking SAINT compared to the average American CEO.

The whole “our race is better than your race because, well, we’re a different color!” argument indicates an awareness that they are fucking worthless unless they invent a bullshit reason to value themselves.

A drug dog would have made more sense in his current feud with Jeff Hardy.

Open Secret Hitler.

Well, they both have two arms, two legs, a fondness for bad suits, and resting bitch face. There are similarities.

They’re legal because politicians don’t get bribes from government run programs. It’s the same reason there are private military companies and charter schools.

You can’t determine the Greatest Of All Time until time has run out. Something better could always come along. All we have right now is the Best Up To Today. Your mom is a BUTT.

This is one of those findings that appears to flummox researchers, although they point to possible factors like “increases in abstract thought, changes in parenting, and higher enrollment and quality of early childhood education.

“Almost literally”? That somewhat entirely makes sense.

The answer is easy: If your butthole itches a lot, don’t wipe so hard. Maybe upgrading to a softer toilet paper will help you wipe more gently. If that’s not enough, stop using butt wipes and get a bidet attachment.

It is when compared to shit.

I’ll have you know my little sister was perfectly capable of writing her name while peeing. I don’t know how she did it. I don’t want to know how she did it. But she did it, and her writing was more legible than mine.

And here is where I ask, why do you Canadians pronounce it “Ca-Nay-Dian” if you’re from “Ca-Na-Da”? I don’t see anyone else mispronouncing the name of their country in their demonym.

I love turbulence. Love it. It’s the only part of flying that hasn’t gone to hell. It’s like a surprise roller coaster.

Most Trump voters don’t have a “fuck you, I’ve got mine” philosophy. They have a much stupider “fuck you, I’ll get mine someday as long as nobody stops the guy who is stopping me from getting mine” philosophy.

And, like all of Texas’ contributions to the world, a Mexican did it.

...Kelly opened the segment by bragging about how she doesn’t hit her kids...

Placed him there like a pubic hair on a can of Coke.

If you think Nolan ever had dignity you are confusing self-respect with self-conceit. 

Game hunting is just a cover for his search for proof that the Earth is flat.