The real questions here are “who was his lunch date?”, “what was his lunch date bribing him for?”, and “how much?”.

Amazing how the Catholic version of repentance always means confess to the church and make amends to the church. The people you actually hurt can just fuck themselves, I guess.

Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin.

How did she fall back first? Was she crab-walking through the ceiling?

The best part is 7 seconds in. The part where he tries to get out the door by pushing his girlfriend into the cop.

I wasn’t aware Starbursts even had flavors. They all taste like waxy sugar.

Alabaster trash.

I bought a duvet cover for my comforter. This means it is now a duvet, so basically I got a duvet for free.

I don’t really care what they call it, as long as there’s a sign over the door that says “Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here”.

I wouldn’t even say it was a parody of superhero comics. This came out at the tail end of the period where every studio seemed to be buying the rights to smaller, cheaper, independent comics and making movies out of them. Most sucked, but enough did well to keep the practice going. Dark Horse Comics was the king of…

Elon is a fucking SAINT compared to the average American CEO.

The whole “our race is better than your race because, well, we’re a different color!” argument indicates an awareness that they are fucking worthless unless they invent a bullshit reason to value themselves.

A drug dog would have made more sense in his current feud with Jeff Hardy.

Open Secret Hitler.

Well, they both have two arms, two legs, a fondness for bad suits, and resting bitch face. There are similarities.

They’re legal because politicians don’t get bribes from government run programs. It’s the same reason there are private military companies and charter schools.

You can’t determine the Greatest Of All Time until time has run out. Something better could always come along. All we have right now is the Best Up To Today. Your mom is a BUTT.

This is one of those findings that appears to flummox researchers, although they point to possible factors like “increases in abstract thought, changes in parenting, and higher enrollment and quality of early childhood education.

“Almost literally”? That somewhat entirely makes sense.

The answer is easy: If your butthole itches a lot, don’t wipe so hard. Maybe upgrading to a softer toilet paper will help you wipe more gently. If that’s not enough, stop using butt wipes and get a bidet attachment.