I had a couple of incidents a couple of years ago of taking vitamins on an empty stomach, and then proceeding to yak all over myself on my drive to work (tollway, no exits, no shoulder). Just in case anyone was ever wondering, attempting to neatly deposit it into an empty water bottle only adds propulsion to the mix,…

Safer than letting them explore Youtube.

Just imagine what it’ll do for their self-confidence after they slay the balrog.

Parent pro-tip: allow children to explore potentially bottomless pits.

They’re not for the kid.  They are for the mom.

Oh, it turns out the doctor was his mother, and the reason she couldn’t operate was she had puked and pissed on herself.

Yeah, this part of the third paragraph felt vomited up too:

Speaking of caves, sometimes you’re just a kid and say “fuck it, let’s go do some real psycho shit.”

Wouldn’t the batter still be able to hear the catcher say “slider, off the outside corner?” I mean you can still hear someone when they’re talking into a microphone.

My neighborhood park has the rent the gazebo thing. If you ever wanna see a bunch of middle aged white dads pucker up, it’s when they using it without renting it, and the rightful renter shows up. 

Anyone else need some kind of diagram or power point to clarify who did what and how they were related in the Letter of the Week?

Well if AARon Rodgers didn’t break a collarbone every time he was tackled, it probably wouldn’t be a rule.

I’m choosing to think your reply was ALSO a joke. I really hope it was.

So having your entire team success based upon your qb is not that great of a plan?

So defenders are now suppose to redefine what gravity is and contort their bodies in ways not physically possible? Better yet, Matthews has to displace his body weight outside of his body the moment he makes contact with the quarterback.

Two-hand touch on all quarterbacks not named Cam (he’s exempt from anything related to protection). 

Maybe if he cut his hair and shaved so he doesn’t look like one of those gol durned hippies. While I was crawling through the desert in Nam they were smoking the dope and having sex at Woodstock.

At this point, the defenders should cease trying to comply with this rule, and simply plant the QB as far into the turf as possible, destroying his shoulder, spine, and several internal organs. Then get up and accept the 15 yard penalty, while the back-up QB scrambles to find his shiny helmet.

Well, the good news is that as a Civil War re-enactor in his off time, Andrew Luck is well acquainted with fighting a losing battle.

Blatant violation of the rule. We all know you’re not allowed to tackle the quarterback anymore. He was supposed to ask his teammates to step aside, let Alex Smith have all the time in the world to make the pass, and then give him a round of applause for throwing a touchdown.