Peter King, to restaurant hostess: Hey, did you hear about Peter King's integrity?

"If your entire body was accelerated at that rate of speed for over 60 seconds you would die."

During a press conference, police reported they have nothing to go on.

To: Best Buy Customer Service

Sure, laugh it up. That'll just make it all the sweeter when these guys get their reward* in Heaven**.

* Offer available only with coupon
** at participating Golden Corral locations only

Deceptively fast shipping available.

On the plus side, the number of fans wearing paper bags on their heads this season is projected to decrease considerably.

Reached for comment, Hank replied "what in the name of holy fuck is going on"

What genes! I used Davin Brooks as my car insurance agent, and he mishandled my claim so badly I won millions in malpractice!

So they're just a wee, adorable little bit better.

Outsourcing this one to Dan Steinberg:

Index

Dude, you're a veteran. You must know that this joke has been done to death. There is no excuse. -1

Sometimes when you work on something so very much, muscle memory just takes over. That's my explanation for why she fell.

With the incredibly fucking obvious caveat being that a study of, say, chemical interactions doesn't have an immediate and drastic effect on those interactions once the chemicals have read the study.

Sam: "I dunno, Coach. Even washed-up golfers are giving me shit. This is a really difficult time for me..."

a hacker is sending out tweets from my account - @elkpga

... where, despite being advised repeatedly against it, they spent three hours making idiotic blintz orders.