Signing Heyward may be the move of the year, if only because it’s driving Cardinals fans fucking insane.

Why would you print that out and use it to wipe? They sell paper specifically for wiping your butt. Also, you need more fiber if it takes you an hour to poop.

It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

I took that projected lineup/project rotation into the bathroom with me. And I didn’t come out for an hour.

Not sure if this counts, but I lived in Seattle working retail for two years, and wasn’t making enough to afford a plane ticket home. So for Christmas, I made plans for some friends to come to my place so we could all commiserate. I made dinner, this unnecessarily complex version of eggplant parm that calls for…

That fridge really tied the room together.

You’re no fun.

Jameson will get you drunk

Also, if it is “their” “Peppermint Bark,” how can there be a “sugg.” of $14.00 but ooooooh “our price” is $12.59! Fred in accounting is like “we need to charge $14 for these 4.8 oz of generic chocolate we haphazardly sprinkled with candy cane rejects,” but Sherry in merchandising is like “FUCK THAT, FRED! GIVE THE…

Out of curiosity, I found this exact same product on the “chocolatier”’s website:

I’d definitely watch a video starring Emma Tacos.

THEY AREN’T MAILING OUT REMINDERS? ...be right back.

I WUZ FRAMED I SWEAR IT.

So when I was in 7th grade, two things were big at my middle school, WWF and Pokemon on game boy, we were super into Pokemon on game boy, that in a class that we make a turning “chores” diagram in, we instead used it to figure out match ups for Pokemon matches.

One time I killed a guy.

Junior year homecoming. A whole group of us were going to head to downtown Chicago and go to Second City after the dance, and we got my date’s brother to buy us an unreasonable amount of booze for the limo ride. We were going to meet at my house after the dance to pick up the limo, so I filled two backpacks will the…

When I was applying for college in the 90s, I was under a lot of pressure. My parents expected me to go to a top school like Stanford - all kinds of straight A students got rejected from Stanford, so I was really pushing myself. I had all kinds of extra-curricular activities in addition to a demanding course load.…

I grew up living next door to my maternal grandparents. They were wonderful grandparents who were very loving and giving. Throughout my childhood and adolescence I typically went and hung with them five or six times a week.

When I was in 11th grade, I thought I was slick enough to sneak into my sleeping parents house on New Years Eve and sneak out with a couple of bottles of wine. Soooo…a friend drove me home to do just that, and then we went back to the party…two blocks away. Thinking we were right as rain, we went back to our…

When I was in 5th grade there was a girl down the street that was in 4th grade that I hung around with a lot. We never did anything other than a peck on the lips. However for Valentine’s day I thought it would be funny to write her a love note. Now I’m a dumb little 5th grader that is just hitting puberty so my mind…