I got charged a misdemeanor stemming from me bringing a can of soda into the BYU library.

Yep, that pretty much covers it.

And I’ve found the reason my page suddenly scrolled to the right.

He stole that quote like it was in the seafood section of Publix.

Wow, I got the “... and featuring” slot! And on my birthday, no less!

I drive for Metro in Seattle. I have seen the shitting, the bleeding, the shitting while bleeding.

Can Newton is one sexy bitch.

Russell Wilson is a fucking lame.

That’s call capitalism. America’s built on that. Cam Newton is what’s great about America.

Commentator: “Cam’s like a kid out there. He’s a gunslinger”

“From the oldest of times, people danced for a number of reasons. They danced in prayer or so that their crops would be plentiful or so their hunt would be good. And they danced to stay physically fit and show their community spirit. And they danced to celebrate. And that, that is the dancing that we’re talking about.…

2 days ago, I would have said it didn’t matter because the Bears can’t get 10 points against the Broncos defense, but 2 days ago if you would have told me they were going to hang 37 on the Rams I would have thought you were doing a “Superfans” sketch.

It's like the terrorists have won already!

I only get a ration of 48 internet clicks a day!

Sorry you wasted your precious Internet clicks on this article.

You can't eat Papa Johns Pizza for three years and not expect to shit the bed

I think I watched a documentary on “GLORY GIRLS” once.

Here’s the funny thing about Cam Newton, who has so far led the Carolina Panthers to a 8-1 record: his numbers aren’t even all that spectacular.

Ever see somebody drown in their soup? It’s not pretty. That’s why I always wear a life preserver when eating soup.

In case you thought that everyone knows how to Chipotle, have a picture of President Obama not knowing how Chipotle works.