My mama always told me everything happens for a reason because God had a plan. Apparently it was God's plan for me to fuck a clown fanatic so that I may someday bring laughter to you, dear reader. God is wierd like that.

Since my tale of how I flew to Canada to get laid failed to even get me out of the greys last week, I'm going to tell you EXACTLY how my Canadian beau broke up with me when I got there. It's pretty raunchy and I apologize in advance.

I broke up with a lady after three dates. I was in the military, going out to sea for the next six months and it was sort of the whole "you can see other people...I don't expect you to wait for me....besides its only been 3 dates"

I was very, very briefly married to someone I grew up with. I never dated the man- he always kind of grossed me out for a variety of reasons. He was convinced that if he got married that his foreign tour of duty would be deferred because it happened to a friend of his- so he talked me into marrying him. Of our…

I was in Large European City, for a class I was taking with a bunch of other undergraduates from my Small Canadian College. We were living together in a skinny four-story flat. With me was the boy I had lost my virginity to and was subsequently half-heartedly dating: nice enough, almost funny, terrible in bed (though…

He broke up with me when he was still inside me. Mid-thrust he blurts out that we can't continue. There was a long story about sexual dysfunction (his), porn addiction (his), blah blah...eventually he started sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher.

whoa...that's assault

Oh boy! Do I have stories! However I doubt there is enough bandwidth to go through them all. There is one where the girl I was dating was a prostitute (I was young enough to think massage therapist actually meant massage therapist) and I ran for the hills when I had to sit with her pimp, drinking tea, whilst she…

Your dad has some BIGASS BALLS.

In a way that an all-male original cast was not?

I went to college at a very conservative Baptist university (for reasons) and at the sweet, naive age of 19 started dating this guy who was in the Biblical Studies program to become a pastor. I was all pumped about this guy and my first big girl relationship and thought this might be the guy I'd eventually marry.…

Guess you missed the part where the original was written by a Black guy? Thanks for playing!

When I left my abusive boyfriend, he tried to get to me via my friends. He'd tell them things, hoping they'd pass it on to me, and I'd feel bad. My friends did tell me all of the things he said, because they were fucking HILARIOUS. Our favorite was: "I howl all the time and I'm turning yellow."

After an emotionally—and, rarely, physically—abusive relationship in a foreign country of four long years, my foreign partner convinced me to lie about a family illness to take an unpaid leave of absence from a job I was just about to get promoted at and go home to visit my family for the first time in two years (I…

Going up, my parents were were divorced and never communicated directly. I got bounced back and forth between them a lot. Always based on what my mom needed. Fuck my social life or grades or stability. If being a parent started to get too hard, she'd ship me off to live with my grandmother or father. She'd get lonely,…

I was a senior in college, and after a series of relationships that lasted each school year (or nearly so) I was on a bout of several short term fling type things.

I was living in Chicago, making about $21K a year when I started dating an attorney. Brian was always paying for everything, because I was broke and he wasn't. After we had been dating for about 6 months, I decided to spend 3/4 of my paycheck to buy us tickets to see Les Miz. I really wanted to show him I wasn't a…

I was a junior in high school and was in the fall musical when I'd started dating another one of the dancers. The third week in, I was swamped with homework, soccer practice and rehearsals, so I only saw her after school on the days we had rehearsal and could only talk on the phone/AIM for a little bit. Monday through…

Literally? Did he choke? DID HE DIE PENELOPE???

My freshman year of college, I made the mistake of dating a very serious born-again Christian. (I was raised both Catholic and Unitarian Universalist, I'm not sure what he was doing in the relationship either.)