Use your words, Eleanor.

Pussy > veloci-posse.

I quit watching after their video conference with a counselor where that exact thing happened. Nope. Dunzo. I hope she's okay.

“Now let’s smoosh two humans against one another like Barbie and Ken dolls! KISS! KISS!”

Oh my god, his whole “this is how my grandparents were” bullshit for justifying every time he was mean, rude, inconsiderate, or a scary rageball made me want to light all his sweaters on fire.

More than once, the “relationship experts” said they paired these two up because of their attractiveness. Even after they began fighting, and he was immediately becoming incredibly vicious and ugly toward her during any confrontation, Dr. Pepper (yup, f’real) kept emphasizing her hope that they would work out because…

Fear is always an appropriate response around me.

She’s not a con artist and I’m not a skin-suit operated by sentient bees.

It’s really the only reason to star such a doofy-ass comment.

SLOW MOTION CORGIS. CORGIS FLOLLOPING IN SLOW MOTION.

I would read it, but only if I found it in someone else's bathroom, and ONLY if I was pooping.

Why does she constantly make me want to kick her in the shin?

SHE SHOULD BE THROWN IN JAIL.

The Muse and Shade Court are my favorite, and hence the very best, things about Gawker Media.

PUT ALL OF THOSE ON ME ASAP. I do not care one whit that I will look like a fabric store golem. Do it. DO IT NOW.

As a white woman with boring as hell straight hair, I too am jealous of it and all hair like it, because SO PRETTY. However, I manage this emotion by enjoying the fuck out of #BlackOutFriday on Twitter, instead of assuming an insane fake identity. Probably because I'm super lazy.

Kendra’s laughter is an unholy amalgamation of a goat’s bleat and machine gun fire. It justifies dislike of her all by its lonesome. I would go mad if I had to hear that sound on a regular basis. We should use it as a form of punishment.

Holy fuck. I respect her desire to not have a lot of fuss made about it, but still feel compelled to say I hope both of them come out of this completely free of any lasting effects. What a nightmarish scenario.

Aw, now that sounds like it might ruin my favorite indulgence.

That was one of the funniest things I have ever read on Jezebel. It made me cry-laugh.