Oh, Amanda, honey, never tangle with a drag queen. Any queen worth her wig has a tongue like a knife. Howsabout you punch a pitbull for your next trick?

During my brief tenure in the girl scouts, I ate my peanut butter-coated pine cone that was supposed to be a bird feeder, and taught all of the other girls in the troop how to draw guns and gravestones. I didn't last long either. I very much wish I'd done something as impressive as setting a field on fire. I'd love…

Screw the Boy Scouts and the Girl Scouts. I want to be a Pawnee Goddess.

Jesus Christ, someone speculates this on literally EVERY article about her. Yes. Yes, people have thought of it. The joke has been done to death. You are not treading new ground here.

Please accept this heaping pile of FUCK YES! as thanks for the fine work you've done here.

I bet the self-esteem of those glittery hot pants plummeted when they read this article.

You're probably just saying that because you're one of the Ugly People, that shadowy cabal out to undermine her at every step.

My knowledge of sizzurp does not extend beyond "Gee, I like the word sizzurp."

I bet Sizzurp would totally be able to kick Boyonce's ass.

If I ever have a child, I'm going to name it Sizzurp. Sizzurp Vladimir Crumblebottom the Third.

She did not throw the bong, she liberated it.

I'll admit I've repeatedly said it out loud this morning.

I win the internet all the time. I've won so many internets, I don't know what to do with all of them. My basement is crammed full of internets.

I'd like to think god intended chickens to be in nugget form, but that the chickens fucked it up somehow. Now he has us nuggetify them as punishment for letting him down.

Starred for the naked mole rat mutants.

She seems like a textbook case of arrested development (and not the good kind we're all excited about).

If MIA wants her divorce and custody battle kept anonymous, not talking about it on Twitter is a good place to start.

But I LIKE her for being an alien bitch ice princess. That's all kinds of badass.

Pitt and Aniston were well-known for their shared love of weed. She's a regular smoker, or was at some point, anyway. That's what he's referring to. So "poor Jen" was participating in all that drugged outness you're condemning.

I know!! When I watched that with my husband, I started hopping up and down and jabbing my finger at the TV screen, shouting, "That's exactly what it's like! Oh my god, that's exactly what it's like!"