The big screen Anastasia Steele we deserve is ONE THAT DOES NOT EXIST.

I like to pretend that image of Justin Bieber is actually of a giant metal bat-monster picking him up and swooping away with him mid-concert. It's probably taking him to its lair to eat him.

Not posting shit on Twitter about it like an immature teenager would go a long, long way toward preventing people from judging her about it. Or, you know, even knowing about it. The impulsive doofus brought it on herself.

M.I.A.'s acting like an immature ass? Must be a day that ends in y.

FUCK. YES.

Power through the doubt, woman, and write your ass off.

Excuse me while I never stop laughing. And barfing. Blarfing.

I know I feel unglues all the time. I'm just falling apart at the seams.

When you're done with the head-bashing, I've got a red carpet event to go to. I was hoping I could dress you up in a cute outfit and carry you around like a chihuahua. You free Thursday?

So do people even buy roombas for vacuuming anymore, or do they solely function as an object to place pets and babies on for a laugh?

I also entertain this exact same fantasy about the snooty judges on Top Chef.

I suspect that sometimes she locks herself in a closet and hate-devours entire sleeves of Ritz crackers. She doesn't even chew. She just unhinges her jaw like a snake, relaxes her throat, and pours them down it whole like they're made of water.

Fuck yes!

If my kid had the desire or talent to be an actor or singer, I would go to enormous lengths to help them pursue that dream. I would get them involved in any and every extra curricular activity, special camp, or class that would allow them to learn about the field and polish their gifts. And when they were 18, and in…

I find it creepy because the kids are so young (and were even younger when this all started), and because the Smiths seem particularly aggressive in marketing them to the world. Only time will tell if they make it through the Hollywood machine unscathed — and they certainly could. I also find it creepy because of…

Okay, so, here's the thing.

It probably is true, actually. That synovitis stuff is a classic lupus flare-up symptom. I think Gaga's a great person for your mom to draw heart from. In my own battles with disability, I often find myself asking (as horribly goofy as it sounds), "What would Gaga do?" And the answer is, "She'd fight like a…

Hey, Tominda, sorry for threadjacking, but did I see you mention somewhere that you're going to the PNWA conference? Maybe I'm misremembering.

Damn straight! It's brutal to have your body turn into a cage, or worse, an enemy — especially when you're young and haven't yet reached the time in your life when your body is supposed to turn on you. I bet that not even wealth and fame can truly cushion that psychological blow. If she wants a pretty wheelchair,…