Fuck me I had never seen that Troy Aikman video. I love you guys.

Yeah that was great.

The Campbell Newton is the best damn soup filled cookie that I’ve ever tasted.

SENTENCE FRAGMENT IS A SENTENCE FRAGMENT

“Can you hear me now?”

Cowboys are sore losers.

Speaking as someone who nearly choked to death while watching that Raptors mascot pratfall video a few years ago, and as one who is also entirely willing to countenance comedic violence towards children, I think I may have just slipped the surly bonds of Earth to touch the face of God...

Sounds like somebody’s never been to the Ironbound!!

Hot take: The Jersey turnpike is the fine.

Look at John D. Rockefeller over here bragging about his bottles.

I’m not even remotely a Cubs fan and my heart was in my throat for like the entire game after Chapman blew it. Can only imagine the number of cardiac incidents for Northsiders today.

Eddie Vedder was kinda a disaster tho.

72 million.

Obligatory

“I was at a bar, minding my own business. No one was talking to me... cause I had just did a show. This guy bumped into me, which is cool, but he didn’t apologize. He said ‘Move.’ And I thought that was rude, so I said, ‘Go to Hell.’ And then I started to run. He caught up with me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair…

It’s fine. I did Popeye & Olive Oyl with my old lady once. Threw up at the end of the night into my spinach can. Worth it.